I tried to work out the pecking order of the Kardashian-Jenner sisters' fame and it didn't go well

There are lots of different ways of getting to sleep, aren’t there? Some swear by hot milky drinks and a lavender pillow mist; others like to knock themselves out by drinking whatever alcohol they can lay their hands on, including that stuff at the back of the cupboard with the dead worm in it – but what do you do when you’ve drunk that?

Sometimes, instead of counting sheep, I try counting Kardashian-Jenner sisters because they’re like sheep insomuch that there are loads of them and they all look pretty much the same.

However, unlike most sheep (apart from the ones that appear on Country File, obviously), the Kardashians wear a lot of make-up, eat more dulce de leche Haagen Dazs ice cream and are not known for their dry-stone-wall jumping.

On the nights when I really can’t sleep, when insomnia has got me by the eyeballs and those sea-sickness pills which are meant to cause drowsiness haven’t worked, I try to remember the sisters’ names.

There are about 40 of them and they all begin with K, apart from the boy one, Rob, who has anxiety and “food issues”, so legally he cant be seen on television, because as far as I can gather, fans of the Kardashians don’t want to see a big blob of a bloke eating burritos and burgers in the background – sorry, this alliteration thing is very catching.

Anyway, concentrate, Eclair – all the girls have lots and lots of dark hair apart from the blonde one who is called Khloe and is currently heavily pregnant, a condition she celebrates, or, in Daily Mail language, “flaunts” by wearing skintight skin-koloured bodykon dresses which kling to every kurve including the “outie” button of her belly.

Recently, her mother Kris (natch) took Khloe, who is daughter number three, to a mother and baby shop and spent thousands of pounds on a number of giant stuffed giraffes for the baby’s nursery, which isn’t the least bit scary for a newborn (in my head, these giraffes are called Ken, Keith and Kraig).

Personally, I was slightly disappointed that Kris didn’t keep the K theme going and buy koalas or kangaroos, but you can’t have everything.

Khloe is not the only sister to be with child this year; in fact, at last count, 23 of the Kardashian girls were either pregnant or had recently delivered a tiny member of the family, although, just like when I’m counting real sheep, I might have counted the same one twice. In fact I once had a nightmare which consisted of all of the female Kardashians in a hall of mirrors and I woke screaming.

The most recent one to drop was Kylie, who, at the tender of age of 20, is the youngest of the siblings and the hardest to keep tabs on because she changes her hair kolour quite often and I get confused as to whether I’ve already ticked her off as Khloe or Kendall. Keep up at the back.

Some media outlets have suggested that the Kardashian-Jenner girls are good at having babies because they’re what my mother would call “broad in the beam”, which means they have fantastic child-bearing hips. Being “broad in the beam” is also a polite way of saying they have bottoms the size of whaling ships. Kim, who is arguably the most famous of the Kardashian sisters, having ticked all the celebrity “been there, done that” boxes – a leaked sex tape, umpteen reality TV shows, her own klothing and beauty range and a well-known rapper lover – has a bottom so big and bountiful that she regularly balances a grand piano on her derriere to entertain her friends at parties.

The pecking order of Kardashian sisters’ fame is quite confusing. Jostling for second place behind Kim, who is so famous that she once broke the internet (presumably by sitting on it) is probably the supermodel Kendall, who has arguably the smallest bottom and is the second youngest, as well as half-sister to Khloe, Kim and Kourtney and full sister to baby Kylie. Kylie and Kendall share a father who is a transgender woman called Caitlyn. At this point I have to get out of bed and write everything down on a piece of paper.

Over the past few years, the Kardashian lasses have been procreating pretty constantly and konsequently there is already quite litter of toddler Kardashians, all of whom have their own fashion and sunglasses ranges.

Sadly, because all the K letter names have already been used up by other members of the family, some of these new generation Kardashians are being given names that begin with other letters, which is a shame as they could have saved a fortune in school name tapes if they’d stuck with tradition.

Reaching for my phone to google KendaIl’s kid’s name, I realize it is six o’klock in the morning and I might as well get up.