Jo Swinson would do anything to stop a no-deal Brexit, but she won’t do that

A motorbike revs. A helicopter whirs. A keyboard plays a high ostinato melody. In come the bass chords, a police car pursues a biker through the gates of a medieval castle and suddenly Jo Swinson is on stage.

“And I would do anything to stop no-deal Brexit,” she wails, casting a mournful eye out over the moonlit trees, beyond the three short rows of political correspondents, which together form the totality of the Westminster press corps unfortunate enough not to be on holiday.

“Oh I would do anything to stop no-deal Brexit,” she continues. “I’d run right into Sheffield Hallam and back.”

Pause. (A major. G major).

“Oh I would do anything to stop no-deal Brexit, but I won’t give my backing to Jeremy Corbyn to form a temporary government of national unity to extend Article 50 and then hold a general election in which the Labour Party would campaign for a second referendum which would include the option to Remain.”

A ripping bass chord now, the high piano notes are back at double tempo, Sarah Wollaston comes crashing through the back wall on her Harley Davidson Easy Rider. A chandelier smashes to the floor. The blood of Chuka Umunna is spilt.

The planets are turning, the stars are burning, but alas for the time being, nobody’s dreams are coming true. You better believe it. Jo Swinson will do anything to stop a no-deal Brexit, but no, she confirms in questions to the media at the end, she will not do that.

This, more or less, is exactly what happened, in some hired office space in the City of London on Thursday morning, when Jo Swinson gave what was self-described as her first “major speech” as Liberal Democrat leader.

There in the front row was Sarah Wollaston, the party’s newest MP. There next to her was Chuka Umunna. Swinson’s plan is to build a cross-party coalition to reject no-deal Brexit and on the face of it, it’s going quite well. These two between them have been MPs for five different parties in just the last six months.

Her plan, we would learn, would be to convince Jeremy Corbyn to bring a vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson, and then make Ken Clarke or Harriet Harman temporary prime minister, to extend Article 50, cancel no-deal Brexit and then, because these are the rules after all, hold a general election.

She had, by this point, already called Jeremy Corbyn’s rival plan, which was made public last night and is as described above, “nonsense”.

It was nonsense, she said, because there simply aren’t any Tory MPs who would be willing to put Corbyn in No 10, even temporarily.

So, reluctantly of course, it would have to be her plan. Which would be to persuade Jeremy Corbyn, for all his many faults, still the official leader of the opposition, to give his backing to a different Labour MP, Harriet Harman, or even a Tory, Ken Clarke, to become prime minister ahead of him.

And she would have to persuade all of, to name just a random few, Chris Williamson, Laura Pidcock and Richard Burgon, to get behind it, which is itself just as likely as Jeremy Corbyn’s somewhat ambitious Tories4Corbyn project.

If a no-deal Brexit is to be avoided, somebody, somewhere, and very soon indeed, is going to have to do something they don’t want to do. But, at least for today, that person is not going to be Jo Swinson, and nobody quite knows who it will be.

Guitars howl. Crowbars smash into mirrors. Metal horses turn on a carousel.

I know the territory, I’ve been around. It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down…

Candles burn down to their ends. A sofa levitates.

Anything to avoid a no-deal Brexit. But I won’t do that...