The ‘perfect relationship’ doesn’t exist

What do you think of when you imagine the “perfect relationship”?

Maybe you picture amicability; the promise of being “best friends” as well as lovers. Maybe it’s fidelity; a couple so committed that nothing could turn their heads. Or, maybe it looks like longevity; an older couple raising a toast on their 50th wedding anniversary, still in love “after all these years”.

I’m willing to bet some of you are thinking of sex: an attraction and chemistry that defies the “honeymoon period” to last for years, even decades. Or, perhaps you buy into the idea of “soulmates” – a connection so strong it seems as if it were forged by the Fates. It’s an enticing story, one which has been told time and time again in films, songs, literature and the media.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I’ve got to break it to you: that story is a lie. There is no such thing as the “perfect relationship”. Though that’s not what any of us are led to believe.

From a really young age, we are taught that there are “good” relationships and “bad” relationships. The “good” ones are long and happy (although precisely how this is achieved remains vague). The “bad” ones involve conflict, animosity and an abundance of unmet desires and needs.

But what if I told you that a lot of that conflict and unhappiness comes out of the attempt to shoehorn regular, complicated humans into neat little boxes? And what if I told you that contentment actually comes from being open to these complications, needs and desires? That you can achieve “true happiness” from being prepared to discuss them, make space for them and even – *gasp* – seek answers to them elsewhere?

We’re being sold a lie. But it’s one we all happily buy into, because the idea of meeting our perfect “other half” is so compelling.

We go into dating looking for someone to be our best friend and intellectual equal; someone to share both our world view and our home, make us laugh, contribute financially, divide the chores 50/50 and still be a loving, present co-parent (if that applies). We expect this other fallible human being to agree not to look at – let alone sleep with – anyone else and still give us the best sex of our lives (possibly for 40 years or more). Really, we are dooming ourselves to disappointment.

As sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel puts it: “We are asking one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide.”

It’s not that relationships can’t feel awe-inspiring, it’s just that they can’t possibly all look the same. There is no “one size first all”, because people aren’t all the same. In order to find our perfect relationship we have to let go of this idealised version of how a relationship “should be” and figure out what we really want.

A recent Tik Tok video in which the user explained that her boyfriend was moving out – but they were not breaking up – sparked a lot of horrified debate about how this was clearly “the beginning of the end”.

But in ethically non-monogamous (ENM) communities like mine, this kind of arrangement is completely normal. If your living situation isn’t giving you what you want – and you have the means to change it – well, why wouldn’t you? This is sometimes referred to as “de-escalation;” taking the relationship back to a previous stage (in this case, the pre-cohabitation stage) because the current setup isn’t working.

Far from being a sign of doom, the idea that we can check in and renegotiate relationships when they aren’t meeting our needs strikes me as a really positive thing. But it’s a long way from what society teaches us. In her 2017 book, Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator, polyamorous writer Amy Graham described the way society views relationships as progressing in a “linear way” towards the presumed goals of cohabitation, marriage, monogamy, property ownership and children. But here’s the thing: they don’t have to!

I know plenty of people who have exciting, emotionally intimate, committed relationships with people they don’t live with or see every day. I know people who divide their time between two different partners, or else date both at the same time – in what often gets called a “throuple”.

I know people who’ve chosen “platonic parenting” where they raise children with a friend rather than a lover, as well as people who’ve chosen to parent alone, but still have romantic and sexual partners. When we let go of the “perfect” image handed to us by society, we realise that a relationship can be whatever we want it to be.

If you’re thinking it sounds like hard work, you’re not wrong. Thinking outside the box requires a certain amount of zeal and openness. But so does a traditional relationship. And at the end of the day, no amount of time spent “working” on a relationship will make it perfect if what you’re striving for is unattainable. So why not tear up the rule-book and find your own “perfect” way, even if it’s nobody else’s?

This article is part of our ‘independent thinking’ series in partnership with Nationwide. Together we’re celebrating independent thinkers past, present and future, and shining a spotlight on work which demonstrates perfectly what we define as independent thinking. This article is one such work, and we hope it’s got you thinking. If it has and you’re eager to continue, you’ll find more here.