Celebrities don’t ‘owe us’ public displays of grief

When the news of Matthew Perry’s death was announced last month, fans across the globe shared their shock, condolences and favourite Friends moments. So familiar and personable was his on-screen presence that people who didn’t even know him were left bereft by his untimely death.

You can only imagine, then, how the people who were actually close to him felt that day, learning at the same time the rest of the world did that their good friend and years-long colleague had passed.

But instead of being met with compassion and empathy, the Chandler Bing actor’s co-stars, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, David Schwimmer, Lisa Kudrow and Matt LeBlanc, were bombarded with abuse on social media for their lack of public acknowledgement – even after they released a joint statement two days later.

“I find it a bit weird how all the cast of friends [sic] have not posted anything about Matthew Perry”, one person wrote under Cox’s Instagram post from 22 October.

Another added: “Odd none of you guys from the cast of Friends have made any post’s [sic] for Matthew.”

I wish I could tell you that it stopped there, but the flurry of harassment continued – and not just on Instagram. People also took to TikTok and the like to call the actors out for posting lighthearted content before Perry’s death, as if they had some prior knowledge of the tragedy and decided to instead share silly cooking videos than pay tribute to their old pal.

Even after the cast members posted heartfelt messages to their personal accounts last week, people took issue with it, with so-called “fans” praising Kudrow for using a photo of the two of them off-set and condemning the others for “lazily” sharing clips and production stills from the show.

What was even more ridiculous was the response Gwyneth Paltrow received to her moving post about Perry, in which she detailed their “magical summer” together in 1993. Yes, many thanked her for sharing this sweet anecdote, but others took her post as an affront.

“This b***h will ride any PR train. He literally NEVER mentioned her. Let him RIP without trying to get your press,” one person tweeted.

“The way my eyes rolled all the way back,” another commented, along with several emojis.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time celebrities and public figures have been judged by how they choose to grieve. It’s something that Elizabeth Olsen has also experienced and commented on in the past, following the death of her Marvel co-star, Chadwick Boseman, in August 2020.

At the time, the internet was awash with rumours about Olsen’s sudden disappearance from social media, after she received backlash for not posting about her loss.

In a 2021 cover interview with Glamour UK, the WandaVision actress said that while she was not “bullied” into coming off social media, she felt that by being on it she was “trying to create a character version of myself and put it out in the world.”

Discussing activism and the pressure that comes with having a large platform, she added: “It’s dangerous to think, oh something just happened in the world, I am an entitled person whose voice must be heard on this issue.

“It’s such a narcissistic viewpoint. It’s important for people who want to be voices and have platforms and who care deeply about issues. But I am terrified of that pressure.”

And look, it would be easy to blame the birth of social media for this bizarre sense of entitlement, but, as the latest season of The Crown documents, it is nothing new. Just as we witnessed the panic of the royal family rushing to Balmoral the day of the Queen’s death last year – something I wrote about at the time and which, too, demanded a certain level of publicness from them – we saw similar, harrowing scenes the day of Princess Diana’s funeral and the period leading up to it.

Rather than being able to grieve and show raw, human emotion, the young princes were forced to put on an act for the British public at a time they should have been allowed to process the death of their mother.

And even though the Netflix series is of course a dramatisation, it was widely reported at the time of Diana’s death how then-Prince Charles and his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, fought over how they should respond. Show too much emotion and you are deemed unstable and inauthentic, don’t show enough emotion and you are viewed as stoic, cruel and heartless.

According to educational psychologist Dr Patricia Britto, grieving publicly can have a negative impact on mental health, one’s appetite and ability to mix with others. These symptoms can then manifest themselves into physical health conditions, also.

“Grief is a complex phenomenon and usually occurs in a cycle,” she says. “There is no right way to grieve, and individuals need to understand where to seek support to help them find suitable coping mechanisms.”

She also states that children, in particular, “need adults to be explicit about the truth related to the loss of a loved one using the appropriate tools and books.”

This sense of entitlement felt by the public is nothing short of delusion. While we may have a certain level of access to these people’s lives, we do not own them and we certainly don’t have the right to pry into their most personal, vulnerable moments. Just as we are granted privacy and respect when we suffer loss, they should be too.

It doesn’t matter how much you think you know them, you don’t. And you also have no idea how they’re processing the news or coping with their grief. To ply on the added pressure of telling them how they should feel and act, you are not only being incredibly insensitive, you are potentially causing them long-term damage.

This article is part of our ‘independent thinking’ series in partnership with Nationwide. Together we’re celebrating independent thinkers past, present and future, and shining a spotlight on work which demonstrates perfectly what we define as independent thinking. This article is one such work, and we hope it’s got you thinking. If it has and you’re eager to continue, you’ll find more here.