If England wants to win at sport we need to change the national anthem

Forget grass roots investment, winter breaks, quotas for home grown players, or plots to steal Ronaldo’s DNA – today marks a vital moment for the future of English sport. This afternoon, MPs will debate whether England should sing its own song at sporting events, replacing the UK’s national anthem, God Save the Queen.

As things stand, it’s hardly a surprise that England’s sequence of sporting failures has been going on longer than a Jeremy Corbyn reshuffle. The last thing our players do before kick-off is try to gee themselves up with the musical equivalent of a couple of sleeping tablets and a glass of red wine.

God Save the Queen is a dirge, with as much chance of tingling my spine as a quick look at a photograph of a sunbathing John Prescott. Any team talk will go straight out of the window if your next task is to sing a song about making an old lady “happy and glorious”.

The proof of my theory comes in the relative successes of our sporting rivals. France won the football World Cup in 1998 with their forward line being led by none other than Newcastle United reject Stephane Guivarch, a man named by one national newspaper as the worst ever Premier League striker. But who needs natural talent if you’re sent out onto the field with a bombastic call to arms like La Marseillaise ringing in your ears? Similarly, while England limped out of last year’s rugby World Cup, New Zealand retained the title, spurred on by the hair-raising performance of the haka before each match.

Nor is there any downside to the change. Our sports stars seem to have no idea what the words are to God Save the Queen – after all, they stand mute while it plays before a match. So they can hardly be left any worse off. And let’s not even start on the lyrics to the second and third verses, the words to which are learned only by those in need of a British passport or with a lot of time on their hands.

There is something rather odd about a UK-wide anthem being sung by an England-only team. It makes the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish see the UK’s anthem as foreign, and to be booed as an opponent’s song. Who can forgot Prince William, supporting Wales at the rugby World Cup by singing Land of My Fathers, only to be faced with the dilemma of whether to sing about saving his granny, even though that was in support of the other side?

As devolution moves on apace, the English are also entitled to see their identity as being different to that of the union, and having their own song is part and parcel of this. It will strengthen the UK, rather than divide it.

Of course, we need to have a worthy replacement, and some of the favoured suggestions risk repeating past mistakes. The much-lauded Jerusalem would be a disaster, leading to endless discussions about whether “builded” really is a word. The song is nothing more than a long question to which the answer is no: those feet in ancient times did not walk along those pastures green - so, can we leave that one there? I Vow to Thee My Country is a perfectly good choice for a genteel English summer wedding, but unless our players are going to start throwing confetti on the pitch and chatting to the vicar about the cost of roof repairs, then it doesn’t strike the right tone for a sports match.

The answer is Land of Hope and Glory. It’s full of pomp and circumstance and is sure to get the blood pumping when we most need it. It’s time to stand up straight, puff out our chests and sing our way to victory - but maybe we should practise taking penalties just in case.