How might the palace respond to Harry and Meghan’s explosive interview with Oprah? I have some ideas

We’ve all seen or heard of the interview between Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and Oprah Winfrey by now. What we haven’t heard is what the palace thinks, officially. How might that Zoom call between Queen of England and escapees to LA go in the wake of this bombshell piece of television? I imagine something like this…

Her Majesty The Queen thanks Harry and Meghan for praising her. As they pointed out in the interview, all royals do love a bit of good press coverage — your Queen in particular! It saddens one’s heart to see these young people leave the royal family over something as silly as bridesmaids’ dresses, when they could have just consulted a neutral observer within the institution such as Prince Andrew on the issue.

One is dismayed to learn that Meghan felt like she was suffering a character assassination with its basis in racism. One must vigorously defend the palace from these unfounded accusations. Here, the evidence is on the side of the palace: nobody believes that someone trying to escape racism would settle in the United States, where racism is something that can be ordered on many drive-through menus in the South. No person in their right mind fleeing racism would move to the most racist country in the western world, surely.

One’s heart breaks to learn that at one point, Meghan was contemplating suicide. Other former friends of royals, such as Jeffrey Epstein, have unfortunately come to similar fates in the past and we share the pain of their families.

Now, while much has been made of the fact that Harry was robbed of his security, we all have our crosses to bear. William has been robbed of his hair. India was robbed of the Kohinoor diamond and I have to wear it in my crown. That’s just the way the world goes.

Americans love to pretend that they’re better than monarchy. They say that the royal family is just a bunch of rich old white people who act important, do nothing and somehow make money out of the taxpayer. But if they really believed this was a bad thing, they wouldn’t have the US Senate. Like everyone in Britain, I’m sure that deep, deep down, they’re really quite fond of the whole idea.

Nevertheless, one is glad that Harry seems happy in his new life in California. The palace admits that we did cut him off financially. But not having financial support from institutions you’re used to being there is a way of life in the United States, so one thought one was doing Harry a favour. One wanted him to feel at one with those who don’t have access to all those frivolities the Yanks cut out, such as crown jewels, royal titles and healthcare.

Ultimately, one is pleased to see that Harry is enjoying his new life with Meghan, Archie and the new baby. Although he probably shouldn’t smile for too long. There are a lot of organisations just waiting to snap up a naive young man used to arcane rules and obscure beliefs floating around the Los Angeles area, such as goat yoga and Scientology. One wouldn’t like to see Harry go that way. At least, one wouldn’t like to see it in the pages of one’s favourite newspapers.