How it feels when you’re clearly not the favourite child

Are you a Traitor or a Faithful? Wait, sorry – wrong chat. What I meant to ask was, do you have a favourite child, or are all your children equally favoured?

Not that anyone would admit to it in public, or even in their family – however much grown-up children might discuss it amongst themselves. But according to a new study, which draws on a meta-analysis of 30 papers incorporating the thoughts of 19,000 parents from across Europe, Asia and America, favourites are alive and kicking.

The research published in Psychological Bulletin found that daughters and agreeable offspring were more likely to get favourable treatment, but daughters did not feel that they were favoured over their brothers. This result is one that most adults might respond to with, “Well, duh.” Or, as one parent friend said: “I’m not sure that preferring the child that listens, does their homework, and carries out their chores is that surprising.”

To go very broad brushstrokes here, this result may be due to the fact that girls have historically been socialised to be quieter, helpful and better behaved while boys may demand more attention by acting up – “shy bairns get nowt,” as the northeastern proverb goes.

Not all girls, and not all boys, certainly. But Professor Alexander Jensen from Brigham Young University in the US, who led the study, said it showed how parents could be aware of potential biases. “It is important to note that this research is correlational, so it doesn’t tell us why parents favour certain children,” he said. “However, it does highlight potential areas where parents may need to be more mindful of their interactions with their children.”

Children who behave well may get less attention than a more demanding sibling and feel resentful of it. They may also grow up to become adults who do not feel able to ask for what they need, as they are regarded as the familial safe pair of hands.

As one wise friend spelt out to me: “When you’re a child, yes, attention, gifts, and time do equal love. You have to be a lot more mature to understand that intention means more than the outcome. And bluntly, actions speak louder than words.”

Millennials have seriously invested in therapy to unpack how they were parented so that “the sins of the father” (or otherwise) don’t get passed down to their kids.

There is also more understanding of parenting obstacles. Forums like Reddit are filled with adults discussing “the golden child” – the favourite who can do no wrong – while Instagram is packed with memes aimed at eldest daughters shouldering numerous family burdens.

I am the eldest daughter, but due to years of chaos from not understanding how my undiagnosed ADHD brain worked and dealing with it very badly, I have caused my family significant confusion. Still, having had plenty of therapy and done the work, I can now spend time with them as a reasonably well-adjusted and contented person. I’d rather have that than any dubious legacy of being “the favourite”.

But old stereotypes are ones that child-raising techniques are moving past as we achieve a greater understanding of our brains and how we all tick. Parents – again, not all, but many – respond to who their children are, not what template they should fit. “Shoulds” never do us any good at all.

And I am endlessly impressed by the techniques that nurseries teach children for naming their emotions – what colour are you feeling today? – or breathing techniques for calming anxiety.

Last night, as we shared an Uber home from book club, my oldest friend and I chatted about how much more emotionally capable the next generation will be – and, having written that sentence, I am now touching wood in case I’ve jinxed them all.

But what do I know? My favourite child is my dog, and my other favourite child is my cat – but please, to keep the peace, don’t tell the dog.

Kat Brown is the author of It’s Not a Bloody Trend: Understanding Life as an ADHD Adult and the editor of No One Talks About This Stuff: Twenty-Two Stories of Almost Parenthood