A letter of welcome and apology to Donald Trump ahead of his UK visit from the British silent majority

So welcome, then, President Trump, to our little kingdom. We know that this visit may not be as grand as the one we’d originally envisaged. We also know that many in this country will be unwilling hosts, no doubt to the point of loudly protesting against your presence and, who knows, perhaps mass mooning at you and Melania as you proceed along the Mall.

Some – the more satirically inclined – may choose to smack each other’s buttocks with a rolled-up copy of a magazine or newspaper with your face prominently featured on the front. You will, as you no doubt realise, be ridiculed and disrespected as only the British – world leaders in lampoonery – know how.

No matter. You’re a big chap with a fine sense of your own and America’s dignity, and I’d like to point out that not everyone in Britain feels that way. There are many of us – indeed most of us, constituting a silent majority – who have doubts about your policies, but have the sense to realise that you are, when all is said and done, the leader of the most powerful military on God’s green earth, and in charge of its largest economy and sole global reserve currency. For that reason, if no other, we should try to get along.

Of course there are other things we should be discussing, and ignoring the din outside as best we can. There’s free and fair trade, as you have alluded to in the past. We can talk turkey, and chlorinated chicken and hormonally boosted beef, for that matter, as we surely must as Britain leaves the European Union. We’d love you to buy more Range Rovers.

We need to talk about Korea, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, and all the places in the world where we have very close interests in common – and where we agree. There's also climate change and the wider world economy, as well as the trend toward protectionism – where we respect the difference in emphasis. We merely ask that you listen, and consider our position, and negotiate. You are the great deal-maker, and we are friendly partners to be bartered with, despite the impression some may give.

In other words, we ask only to be as friendly and pragmatic as Emmanuel Macron, who you entertained so lavishly lately. Theresa May, we know, hasn’t much charisma by comparison, rather less charm and is generally less of a buddy-buddy. But she does appreciate that who the Americans elect to lead their great nation is a matter for them; that you deserve a measure of respect as the head of state of a strong ally that has helped us in two world wars and a Cold War. Further, the British have, in the past, played host to some of the worst monsters in modern history – Mugabe, Ceausescu and, topically enough, Bashar al-Assad. Some of the British seem to have conveniently forgotten all that in their outrage at your visit, but some of us realise that there is difference between you and them.

So, please enjoy the trip, despite the comically chosen arrival date, try and fit some golf in at your magnificent resort in Scotland, and we feel confident that you and the Duke of Edinburgh will find much in common.

With my best wishes,

A member of the silent majority