Trump’s instructions not to ‘interfere’ in the UK’s general election lasted seconds

One wonders who exactly issued the apparently strict instructions to Donald Trump, when he began his festive trip to Britain, not to interfere in our festive election. More in hope than expectation doesn’t even cover it. The last time an exercise in arse-covering was this brazenly tokenistic, Kim Kardashian almost broke the internet.

It was a matter of minutes before his sworn pledge not to interfere in the election led to him telling the British public to vote for Boris Johnson.

Whoever could have predicted it? Not since Rage Against The Machine were performing their unlikely Christmas number one on the BBC and disobeyed their strict instructions not to sing the words, “F*** you, I won’t do what you tell me” has any broken rule by an American on a little Christmas excursion had quite such an air of inevitability.

How quaint. Back then, the very worst we had to protest about was Joe McElderry. Now world leaders fly in to trample down the alliance that has kept their people safe for more than half a century. France and America stand in London and tear each other to pieces.

There was, alas, no Johnson/Trump press conference at Nato, a truly depressing outcome for those of us who thought the only thing worth looking forward to in the last few dismal months was the sight of the two standing next to one another at press conference podiums as the US president is asked for his views on Johnson having called him both “stupefyingly ignorant” and “unfit to hold the office of president of the United States.”

These quotes date from 2016, of course. Back then, it would seem, Boris Johnson actually said things that were true. That’s a mistake I presume he won’t be making again.

As for the big question hanging heavy in the air, Trump would tell reporters that he “wouldn’t want [the NHS] if you handed it to us on a silver platter”.

Fair play to the guy for playing the game. The country is now right in the white-hot centre of its 100 per cent bulls**t election campaign, and he’s joined right in. Johnson is pretending he’ll get Brexit done. Corbyn wants you to think Brexit has got nothing to do with leaving the European Union and everything to do with selling the NHS to Donald Trump – a claim that bears absolutely no scrutiny whatsoever, but will certainly do if you’re determined to make a Brexit election about anything but Brexit.

And it certainly helps his cause that perhaps the only person on Planet Earth who understands any of this stuff even less than he does is Donald Trump, who’s now popped up to tell us he doesn’t want anything to do with the NHS, even though the leaked minutes of various meetings on the subject show that he absolutely does.

Oh well, what’s a blatant lie at this stage of the game? Black’s white, white’s black, and absolutely nobody cares a toss any more. There’ll be time to reflect on all that for, ooh, let’s say the next five years.