Why all the fuss about Die Hard? It’s pale, male and stale

Settling down with a glass of mulled wine in front of the telly last night, my partner began to scroll through our viewing options. “A Christmas movie,” I said. “We haven’t watched anything festive yet this year.”

We scrolled back and forth through endless apps and dozens of Christmas-movie titles, until (as often happens) I got bored and decided to read my book.

So my partner ended up choosing for us. He went for one of his all-time favourite films: Die Hard. At a very rough guess, he estimates that he’s probably watched it over 30 times. Me? I’ve somehow reached well into my fifth decade on earth having avoided the template-setting action movie blockbuster.

Die Hard is nothing short of a movie phenomenon, spawning four sequels and a very loyal fan base. It’s often cited as a favourite Christmas film by people (mainly men, but I’ll get to that). Countless imitations have followed in its footsteps – Speed, The Rock, Air Force One and Skyscraper to name but a few. Clearly, it’s an action movie model that works.

Which is why, on watching it for the first time last night, I was astounded at just how utterly boring I found it. But more than that, it was what I can only describe as the least Christmassy Christmas movie ever made.

About an hour into bloody executions and hench, gun-wielding men rolling around the floor, I genuinely started to feel like some kind of conspiracy had been going on all these years. People talk about this as a “Christmas movie” – so where are the elves, the disaster road trips to visit distant relatives, the snow, the twinkly lights, the cheer?

Die Hard is without a doubt one of the biggest cinematic mis-sellings ever. It is an absolute travesty of a Christmas movie. It’s about as Christmassy as sitting on a Seychelles beach with a rum punch in your hand. Die Hard is, let’s be honest, the very antithesis of Christmas.

Yes, I did notice the glancing shots of Christmas trees in the background of a few scenes – and, yes, I definitely also saw Bruce Willis making awkward small talk at his estranged wife’s Christmas party. But this is not enough, people. It’s absolutely nowhere near enough to make it a Christmas movie.

I want Christmas jumpers.

I want candy canes.

I want turkey and stuffing.

I want... female representation.

Which brings me to the other giant problem with Die Hard. Where are all the women?

I realised about halfway through the film that one of the reasons I was failing to connect with the plot was because I felt zero connection to the characters. Sorry, but I really struggle to identify on any level with a band of East German terrorists, or with pumped-up rogue American cops. Sad to say it, but Die Hard is an utter failure when it comes to gender bias. Dominance and masculinity are the keystones of this film.

In fact, there are only two named female characters in the whole film: Holly McClane, John’s wife, and Ginny, the pregnant woman who works in the building. Holly is primarily defined by her relationship with John. And Ginny, well, she’s pregnant. That’s about it.

I started to look deeper into female representation in movies and I stumbled across something called the Bechdel test. It’s a simple set of criteria which can be used to measure female representation in films. The criteria are that 1) at least two women are featured 2) that these women talk to each other, and 3) that they discuss something other than a man.

Guess what? Die Hard doesn’t do very well. Holly and Ginny have one tiny conversation with each other at the start of the movie, and they only interact briefly with male characters.

Now I’m well aware this film was made in 1988, and I’m also well aware of the existence of a global army of die-hard Die Hard fans. But, I’m sorry, I’m really not sure what made me enjoy Die Hard less – the utter lack of Christmas or the utter lack of women.

Either way, when I next start scrolling for a festive watch, I know I’ll be skipping straight past the sequels in favour of a more enjoyable combo of comedy, knitted jumpers and jingle-bell-laden sleighs.