Diary

Dame Barbara's fictional millions

THE MYSTERY of the missing millions. Dame Barbara Cartland, contrary to figures published this week saying she is Britain's 34th richest woman with a healthy pounds 40m, claims she is down to her last paltry million. BusinessAge magazine, which compiled the list, says Dame Barbara 'telephoned personally, complaining about the figure, which she said was way too high'. To compound her misery we disturbed her, seething, about to tuck into a three-course lunch at Claridge's yesterday. 'It's quite disgraceful. I am not worth that much,' said the world's top-selling novelist, who has 596 books to her name. Dame Barbara says she has 'less than pounds 1m left. In a recession, when people have to choose between bread and books, they choose bread.' And Camfield Place in Hertfordshire is no longer hers: 'I left it to my children. All I own is my clothes and my jewellery. I am a lodger in my own house. As I was saying to my chauffeur earlier, there's not much left after I've paid agents' fees and 40 per cent tax. I'm in debt, I swear on the Bible.'

JEREMY PAXMAN was complaining yesterday at the Labour conference: 'Everyone is being nice.' It turns out that a Socialist Worker salesman in the rat run outside the Winter Gardens had thrust a copy of the paper in his face and snarled: 'Come on, Paxman, get yer Socialist Worker here]' Paxman declined. 'Oh,' the salesman said, 'then can I have your autograph?'

Time lapse

THE YUGOSLAV conflict is so complicated that even experts despair of understanding it. Equally, though, most people realise that a measure of what the French call le fair-play is important when trying to report what is going on. This is a lesson that seems to have passed by the latest issue of the Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty Research Report, usually regarded as key material on Central and Eastern Europe. It includes an at-a-glance history of Croatia that begins in the 6th century, and includes a substantial section on the 20th century. Surprisingly, though, one brief period seems to be missing: 1941-45. Funny, that. During those years the Nazi-backed Ustashe regime held power and killed hundreds of thousands of Serbs. Just an unhappy omission? Probably. But sadly, many Serbs won't think so. The report happens to be written by a university professor and a lawyer from Zagreb, in Croatia.

RADIO One's 25th birthday celebrations almost ended in tears yesterday - thanks to that other great institution, British Rail. It had kindly allowed Simon Bates to broadcast his show live from an InterCity 225 express as it steamed from Edinburgh to London. The train ground to a premature halt, however, after the power lines into King's Cross were mysteriously cut by a passing JCB. Bates heroically kept the records spinning for an extra 45 minutes until it limped in.

Intellectual muscle

ARRGH. First those dainty prancers, the Chippendales, make a pop record - 'Give Me Your Body' (to be released later this month) - and now they are poised to give their opinions on a 17th-century Dutch Old Master. BBC 2 is to screen a series of 90-second films in which enthusiasts talk about portraits in a forthcoming exhibition of portraiture at the Tate Gallery in London. The Chippendales have been invited to comment on The 1st Marquis of Atholl, painted in 1680 by Jacob De Wet. The BBC said the troupe had been chosen because 'it was a portrait of a very muscular marquis in his battle armour, which well defines his body muscle'.

EVEN when paralysed with excitement, those eager beavers at the Polite Society are nothing if not polite. Here's the Rev Ian Gregory displaying impressive control, on the subject of tomorrow's National Day of Courtesy at Chatsworth. 'It is amazingly apposite,' he enthuses, 'that the day's music should be provided by the nearby Lady Manners School. Most fortuitous.'

W or quits STYLE note. A memo from John S Monks, deputy general secretary of the Trades Union Congress, to all department heads comes our way. It refers to the leader of the GMB union and is headed simply: 'John Edmonds'. The text reads: 'Please can you refrain from using the 'W' in 'J W Edmonds.' He likes to be called just Mr J Edmonds.'

A DAY LIKE THIS

1 October 1917 Lady Cynthia Asquith writes in her diary: 'I was dining with (Henry) Tonks and had determined on the great adventure of bicycling there - I started at seven to have a chance of arriving before the raid began. It was too dark to be pleasant and I didn't enjoy myself on the King's Road. Just as I was leaving it, a policeman flew past with the cry; 'Air-raid warning: TAKE COVER'. The sudden silence that falls on London is wonderful; all the traffic ceases, and the streets magically empty. I got there just in time, just before the firing began. It was funny, sitting down calmly to dinner with Tonks and his sister to the accompaniment of such an orchestra. They are quite blase, having been in London for all the previous ones. The noise still exhilarates me.'