Diary

WHEN MONEY CALLS ALL THE WORST TUNES

Middle-Aged tycoons and young music have never looked comfortable together - not least at the British Phonographic Industry's annual awards, the Brits, which will be broadcast next month. This year 'rock music's annual fiasco' (NME's coinage) is under particularly savage attack. Leaving aside the bland nominations (Elton John, Eric Clapton), and the unlikely nominations (the deeply passee Kate Bush as Best Female Artist?), it's the voting system that excites most condemnation. Each of the BPI's 147 member companies (which excludes a number of significant independent labels) has a vote; but that means the big conglomerates have several at their disposal (Polygram has eight voting subsidiaries). Chairman of the awards this year is Rob Dickins, chairman of the vast Warner Music - which has, quite incidentally, 11 of its acts among the 48 nominees. Jonathan King, Brits producer for the last three years, has washed his hands of the business, saying: 'The voting system favours the big companies and they use their muscle to influence the results. It stinks.' Rob Dickins told us tartly yesterday: 'Jonathan doesn't give a fair view.' He says he plans a rule change, so that in future critics and programmers have half the votes. But this may not to satisfy true Brits haters, such as the rock band The Vermorels. In 1988 they tried to 'blow the Brits up' by issuing a fake press release saying that instead of the planned finale - 'Jerusalem' sung by massed supergroups - Mark Chapman, killer of John Lennon, would appear 'just to show that the rock industry bears no grudges'.

TERRIBLY impressed that Richard Branson is to share the bulk of the pounds 500,000 libel damages he got from British Airways among his 3,000 staff ( pounds 166 each). And equally impressed that, as his publicity people put it earnestly yesterday, 'It's not something he wants to draw publicity to.'

SPEEDY RETRACTION

One place where they're poring over the new Highway Code is the Northern Ireland Office. Robert Atkins, one of whose responsibilities as a Northern Ireland minister is road safety, was fined and disqualified a fortnight ago for driving at 71mph in a 30mph zone. Now we hear that his parliamentary private secretary, Jerry Hayes, the Harlow MP, was pulled over near Norwich earlier this month. Unfortunately, the traffic cop in question recognised him, and asked: 'How are you going to be voting on Sunday trading, Mr Hayes?' To which the MP said that he would be voting in favour of it. 'Ah] And what do you think God is going to think about that, then?' asked the policeman sternly. Hayes suggested that he could change his mind on Sunday trading, but he is now nervously awaiting the dreaded brown envelope.

FOR ONCE (and once only, we hope), the Sun appears to be in accord with the left wing of the Labour Party. Neither has much faith in the Royal Family as presently constituted. Indeed, the front page of yesterday's Sun was asking readers to submit snaps of their families ('you don't have to be white or Church of England') in a competition to find a 'new Royal Family'. We're sending the Sun a picture of the Shadow Cabinet - but we want Neil Kinnock as Queen Mum.

BOP TILL YOU WEEP

And now, for all of you who actually hate going clubbing, but were afraid to say so, tonight is 'Misery' night at London's Milk Club. The flyer reads: 'Misery - it's Completely Shite', and offers the holder the chance to pay '50p extra with this leaflet. It's a completely wasted evening - guaranteed.' Chris Fanning, the manager of the Milk Club, told us yesterday: 'There'll be rubbish all over the place - we're not cleaning up - and they're quite serious about being bad - apparently they play the Smurf song.' The playlist is also thought to feature 'I am a Cider Drinker' and 'Ally's Tartan Army'. 'We expect to lose substantial amounts of money,'

explains DJ Stainmaster. 'But it's not about the money, is

it? It's about the vibe, seeing

a club half-full of people waving their hands trying to get a

refund.'

A DAY LIKE THIS

21 January 1715 Alexander Pope writes to Edward Blount: 'Here are some circumstances of the last act of that eminent comic poet, and our friend, Wycherley. He had often told me that he would marry as soon as his life was despaired of. Accordingly a few days before his death he underwent the ceremony; and joined together those two sacraments which, wise men say, should be the last we receive; for, if you observe, Matrimony is placed after Extreme Unction in our catechism, as a kind of hint of the order of time in which they are to be taken. The old man then lay down, satisfy'd of having by this one act paid his just debts, obliged a woman, who (he was told) had merit, and shown an heroic resentment of the ill usage of his next heir. That nephew he left to comfort himself as well he could, with the miserable remains of a mortgaged estate.'