Thank God Diane Abbott is gone – now we can focus on the incredibly competent leadership of Tory politicians

Diane Abbott is gone, and thank God for that, because those gaffes were just getting beyond embarrassing. Remember the time she stumbled over how much police funding would cost as promised (and costed fully) in the Labour manifesto? What a car crash!

It makes you hanker for a consummate professional when you hear disasters like that: someone who says upstanding, intelligent, well-thought-out things like “the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies,” or “Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil,” or “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts”. Someone who knows how to make the hard decisions, someone who makes excellent choices when in a position of leadership, such as a prominent magazine editor allowing a column to run which says “Orientals… have larger brains and higher IQ scores. Blacks are at the other pole”.

Yes, it’s time we all admitted Abbott had to go. And while I’m saddened to hear that she’s experiencing a period of ill health, I’m with the people of Twitter demanding to know why she decided to take up the post of Shadow Home Secretary if she was only going to be later diagnosed with a disease. I, by contrast, always schedule such matters well ahead of time for the convenience of my peers – in fact, I’ve just pencilled in my nervous breakdown for next Wednesday at 4.12pm, in the frozen goods aisle of Camden Sainsbury’s.

What I want is a real leader. One who isn’t afraid to turn up to a Sikh temple and make a speech about whisky trade deals with India, not caring a jot that talking about alcohol inside a holy site is considered grossly offensive in Sikhism. One who’s ready to stick by their guns – unless the guns in question are actually a dementia tax, and the resultant uproar caused by said dementia tax causes that leader to make a dramatic U-turn just four days after making it the centrepiece of their manifesto.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need someone who cares about the big issues affecting our country, such as whether or not it’s morally right to rip foxes apart while dressing up like a berk on a horse. Someone who wants to “lead the world in preventing tourism” and cares deeply about the plight of people with learning disabilities, who are mentally ill or whatever.

What we don’t need, however, is someone who harps on about totally irrelevant subjects: whether cutting police funding could have anything to do with the fact that two planned terrorist attacks just happened in London and Manchester inside two weeks, for example, even though people had warned the police about the perpetrators before. Or whether it’s a good idea to sell tens of millions of pounds worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia when Saudi-run Wahhabist mosques in Britain have been linked to violent literature which supports the ideals of Isis, and when two-thirds of British people believe selling arms to that country is “unacceptable” (incidentally, the majority of British voters also agree with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s claim that our current foreign policy increases the risk of terrorism, but who are they to say anything about it?)

It’s a good thing someone’s willing to point these issues out for the irrelevant distractions that they are. That’s presumably why Theresa May has sensibly suppressed a government report into foreign funding of Isis (originally authorised by her predecessor David Cameron) which is understood to focus on Saudi Arabia. Because Brexit means Brexit.

What I want to make very clear is that the will of the people has to be done – so long as I decide who the people are, and so long as their will is to make sure Abbott never gets her hands on any governmental role in our country, much less her ex-lover on the top job. You wouldn’t want anyone you could accuse of having “an ancestral dislike of the British empire” in power, now would you?

And you know what? If you vote Tory, Abbott might even get bigger tits. Isn’t that what women are really for?