The Democratic debate finally has WWE sponsorship — here are your favourite candidate stage names and signature moves

Tonight’s episode of the Democratic primary show, will feature the third debate, live from Houston. Since American news organizations serve ratings and advertisers before the electorate, ABC News has outsourced debate production to WWE. Keen to showcase their storytelling for a new audience, WWE writers want to promote every candidate with a stage name, entrance music, catchphrase and finishing move. The entrance music is largely to avoid candidate Ben Carson-ing (i.e. missing their cue to go on stage).

Here’s a preview of what to expect:

Joe Biden

• Stage Name: The Masseuse

• Billed From: Sunrise Senior Living

• Entrance Music: Back To The Future theme (perfect for winning the nomination with dated policy proposals)

• Costume: An Obama mask and voice synthesizer stolen from the set of the next Mission: Impossible movie

• Catchphrase: How can I be out of touch when I touch so much?

• Finishing move: Donating to Mitch McConnell’s re-election campaign

Beto O’Rourke

• Stage Name: White Chocolate

• Billed From: Rio Grande River (to simultaneously appear American and Mexican)

• Entrance Music: Soundtrack to the film Clueless

• Costume: Mexican wrestling mask and a stool to stand on

• Catchphrase: I’m so handsome even Mike Pence would run as my VP

• Finishing move: Running off stage to the next big thing he’s not ready for (likely a board position)

Elizabeth Warren

• Stage Name: Useful Elizabeth (to distinguish her from the Queen)

• Billed From: Donald Trump’s Twitter page

• Entrance Music: I’m Every Woman (literally every woman, including Native American women)

• Costume: Gordon Gekko (dressing like an alpha male to pre-empt male candidates stealing her ideas and getting more credit)

• Catchphrase: Criticizing Facebook and advertizing on Facebook is a consistent policy position

• Finishing move: Reading App Store terms and conditions

Cory Booker

• Stage Name: Mr Rosario Dawson #feminism

• Billed From: Not Africa

• Entrance Music: Born in the USA (in a bid to counter the birther rumors that will inevitably start up again if he gets the nomination; and to stay true to his Jersey roots)

• Costume: Vegan pleather shorts

• Catchphrase: Medicare for All, or at least some, at least if they don’t come from Canada

• Finishing move: Force-feeding expensive patented drugs to opponents, whether they need them or not

Kamala Harris

• Stage Name: The Little Girl At the Bus Stop Joe Biden Would Have Crushed

• Billed From: Alcatraz Watch Tower

• Entrance Music: Theme from Law & Order

• Costume: Netanyahu mask

• Catchphrase: Aren’t you supposed to be in school and aren’t your parents supposed to be in jail?

• Finishing move: Brandishing handcuffs

Bernie Sanders

• Stage Name: Mean Red Grandpa

• Billed From: Chairman Mao’s Mausoleum in Tiananmen Square

• Entrance Music: Imagine by John Lennon

• Costume: A repurposed Soviet flag

• Catchphrase: None – he’s sharing the other candidates’ catchphrases

• Finishing move: T-shirt cannon that fires free diplomas into the crowd

Pete Buttigieg

• Stage Name: Stop Carding Me

• Billed From: Elementary School

• Entrance Music: Baby Shark

• Costume: Mr Peanut (which involves donning a top hat, monocle and cane in a bid to look older)

• Catchphrase: I may have only done an average job as mayor, but an average person in the White House would be a serious step up

• Finishing move: Reaching out to people of color in the crowd for support

Andrew Yang, Amy Klobuchar and Julian Castro declined to submit their stage names in time for this article. Yang said he was concentrating too hard on orchestrating “another big surprise”, which many have speculated will be an Oprah-style reveal of $1,000 under each viewer’s seat. Klobuchar said she didn’t need to prove herself in a WWE smackdown, as her staff would already attest to her being tough enough. And Castro was heard to say, “Are you for real? I don’t have time for this” when the big WWE plan was unveiled. Too bad.

It wouldn’t be a WWE event without signs in the audience. Signs that have already been spotted outside the debate venue include “Beto, you can stand on me anytime”;“Give it up - no publisher will give you a book deal” and “Who are you?”

Tune in to ABC tonight at 8/7c for an exciting WWE-produced show. After all, it’s not like we’re debating the leader of the free world, so get the popcorn out and just relax.