The one thing David Beckham got sarong...

I have terrible, earth-shattering, life-changing news: a man wore a skirt.

Well, not a skirt. But it looks an awful lot like a skirt. Also, he wore the not-quite-skirt 25 years ago, but that’s not the point. A man wore a skirt at some point (sort of), and you know what that means: all of his other accomplishments are null and void. Sorry guys, I don’t make the gender rules, I just slavishly follow them without affording them any critical thought whatsoever.

If you haven’t seen it yet, Netflix has finally released its much-anticipated documentary about David Beckham. The four-part series delves into the highs and lows of Beckham’s career, examining his mental health issues, his occasionally rocky and highly public marriage to wife Victoria, and his constantly fluctuating public image. On that last point, the first episode of the docuseries recaps an incident during the 1998 World Cup in France, when Beckham was photographed wearing a sarong wrap (a length of fabric tied around the waist which resembles a skirt).

Tabloids at the time mercilessly ridiculed the former England captain for his crimes against fashion. The Netflix show isn’t much better in its retelling, recapping the event with the kind of breathless intensity usually reserved for the reveal of the killer in a true crime documentary, complete with intense music and slightly-too-zoomed-in contemporary news footage.

So what if he’s one of the most accomplished athletes in history? So what if he lives in an enormous mansion with his beautiful wife? So what if he’s on the Mt Rushmore of British cultural icons along with Paul McCartney, Mr Blobby and the Greggs sausage roll? David Beckham wore a skirt (kind of)! Off with his head!

I work from home, which means I write all these articles while wearing a tie-dyed pink and blue oodie – which is like a hoodie crossed with a dressing gown crossed with a slanket (which is like a shirt crossed with a blanket) – so trust me when I say: I know fashion. There are strict rules on what men and women are allowed to wear. This is basic stuff. You learn it in primary school. In fact, I learned everything I need to know about gender roles in primary school and have refused to learn anything more since then.

Men aren’t supposed to wear skirts, or any items of clothing that may be mistaken for skirts. Our bodies aren’t built for them, you see. Our external genitals crave the restrictive pinch of a pair of tight-fitting jeans. What’s next, women wearing trousers? With pockets? Imagine all the terrible things they could hide in there! Like Simone de Beauvoir books, and divorce papers.

And before anyone chips in and says “kilts” – they are a world away from skirts, plus you get to strap a knife to your leg and wear a hairy pouch of oats like a bumbag at the front: the very definition of manly man attire.

Unfortunately, it seems like Beckham hasn’t learned anything since his well-deserved public shaming. In a 2018 interview with the Telegraph, Beckham said: “Today, no one bats an eyelid if a guy wears a sarong in the street”, and in a 2014 interview told Lorraine Kelly: "Sarongs are great. That’s one thing I never regret because I thought it looked great and I would still wear it now.” Unfortunately, Beckham has not walked these comments back in the new Netflix series, preferring instead to continue being a spiritually fulfilled multimillionaire and one of the most famous and respected sports personalities in the world.

For shame.

Personally, I won’t stand for it. I will not rest until every person in the world looks like the stick figures on the signs for the men and women’s restrooms. David Beckham may have money, and happiness, and an unparalleled athletic ability, but there’s one thing he’ll never have: the respect of people who get really, really mad when they see a man wearing a skirt.