I’m a cyber expert – here’s what you need to know if you’re worried about being stalked online

There is zero stigma associated with online dating in today’s world. In fact, it is arguably the norm rather than the exception. The appeal is obvious: step one is a seemingly embarrassment-free filtering system that uses mutual physical attraction based on carefully curated photos as the selection criterion. Step two is a character assessment based on messaging without a requirement to be immediately charming in a real-time conversation.

Everything is done at arm’s length. It seems safer than dating in real life. Certainly, it seems safer than meeting random people in bars (particularly for women). And to be fair, maybe it is… but it is not completely risk-free.

This was the case of Dianne, a brave survivor supported by Refuge’s technology-facilitated abuse and economic empowerment team, who had to endure a spiralling nightmare of subtle control and deception. Her relationship, which started online six years ago, evolved into a controlling dynamic where her partner took over her finances under the guise of support.

He set up a joint account, managed her money, and determined her spending, which led to financial and personal constraints for Dianne. Over time, his control intensified, restricting her access to essentials, and limiting her independence. The situation escalated, until his sudden disappearance revealed his double life, prompting Dianne to recognise the extent of his manipulation and control.

While the internet gives with one hand, it takes away with the other. If it is relatively easy to find someone you like the look of using an app, it can be equally difficult to shake off unwanted attention. Some people, sadly, will not take “no” for an answer and will go a long way to control a person’s private life against their will – something that, with the help of technology, has become far too common.

The truth is that people relying on dating apps are vulnerable to a rise in stalking and abuse from risks posed by the very tool they are using to help them, such as location settings, data privacy and, more broadly, content oversharing. Almost a quarter of people say they have experienced some form of online stalking from a person they were newly dating.

It is no surprise to report that women are more likely to have experienced some form of violence or abuse compared to male respondents (42 per cent versus 36 per cent). The types of abuse vary: 16 per cent of respondents had been sent unwanted emails or messages and, perhaps most concerningly, 13 per cent had been filmed or photographed without their consent.

A further 10 per cent admitted they had had their location tracked, and their social media accounts or emails had been hacked. Some respondents even confirmed having had stalkerware software installed on their devices without their consent, allowing abusers to keep track of them at any time.

In the past month alone, a man has been arrested three times within five days for allegedly stalking pop sensation Taylor Swift at her live shows and her home in America. The sequence of events started when the individual contacted the singer directly via social media, and then subsequently bombarded her management company with threatening and intrusive emails, letters and direct messages.

The Netflix series Can I Tell You a Secret?, produced by Louis Theroux, documented one of the biggest cases of cyberstalking ever seen in the UK. It tells the story of Matthew Hardy who, in 2011, was found guilty of threatening a group of women online over two years, creating hundreds of fake online accounts to send messages and images to his victims.

These are just two high-profile examples. Stalkerware – the most common form of cyberstalking – is a growing problem across the globe. In 2023, research data revealed 31,031 individuals around the world were affected by cyberstalking – an almost 6 per cent year-on-year increase in users affected in 2022.

Comprising various freely available tools such as software programs, apps and devices that enable individuals to clandestinely track another person’s private affairs through their mobile device, stalkerware typically masquerades as legitimate anti-theft or parental control apps. Usually, Stalkerware is not shown in the list of installed apps in a phone’s configuration, which makes them hard to spot.

Once installed – usually without consent and notification of the person being tracked – stalkerware provides a perpetrator with the means to gain control over the survivor’s life. Stalkerware capabilities vary depending on the application; abusers can remotely monitor every aspect of the target device, including web browsing history, location data, text messages, photos, voice calls and more. These programs are readily accessible for purchase and installation and operate in the background, without the other person’s knowledge or consent.

In many countries, the use of Stalkerware software is not explicitly prohibited. However, installing such applications on someone else’s smartphone without their consent is illegal. At Refuge, we advocate for the explicit inclusion of digital stalking in legal definitions of domestic abuse, emphasising the significant psychological impact on survivors, including increased anxiety, depression and PTSD. The pervasive nature of this abuse can lead to a profound sense of isolation and helplessness.

At Refuge, we encourage people to adopt the best, safest security measures to help protect their digital persona. Individuals must understand the security measures they can take to protect themselves online, including keeping passwords confidential and ensuring they are both complex and unique. Regular pauses to assess digital privacy status, cautious sharing of personal information, and employing comprehensive cybersecurity measures, such as a VPN, can help ensure individual safety online.

As more people embrace the opportunities for romance and connection offered in the digital age, the importance of prioritising safety and well-being cannot be overstated. Stories like Dianne’s should serve as a powerful reminder of the potential dangers we can all encounter online.

If someone is controlling you against your will, please rest assured you’re not to be blamed, and help is here if you need it.

Emma Pickering is head of technology-facilitated abuse and economic empowerment for Refuge

Refuge’s national domestic abuse helpline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week for free at 0808 2000 247. Or visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk to fill in a webform and request a safe time to be contacted, or to access live chat (available 3pm-10pm, Monday to Friday). For support with tech abuse visit refugetechsafety.org