A purple, sparkly car especially made for women? Thank God – I was worried I would never be able to drive

They say you learn something every day. On Friday, I found myself one in a chorus women swearing at their computers and faces disappearing into palms, as I learnt that the cars we've all been driving all this time were actually made only for men.

It’s a shame, really, that no car manufacturers thought to tell us this before – we could have kept our pretty little heads off the road. Luckily, the very clever people at SEAT, with lots of advice from one of the world’s most read women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, came up with a solution: a car for women! Best of all, according to the press release, Mii by Cosmopolitan is not only “exciting to drive” but also “easy to park” – because of course the rumours are true, ladies really are terrible drivers and need all the help they can get.

Naturally this charming piece of news, broken by Campaign, resulted in a shitstorm of derision on social media, with thousands Tweeting their disdain, amusement and pure horror that in 2016 two top brands could get things so horribly, horribly wrong. Some even wondered whether it was a spoof (please god) or perhaps whether April Fool’s Day had been moved to mid-September and we’d all missed the memo.

But the press release seems pretty serious. We’re told that the special edition Mii was “co-created over 18 months”. It beggars belief that nobody during that whole period thought “hang on a minute... remember the PR horror that Bic faced when it released its infamous ‘pen for her’?" Sure, it was way back in 2012 but it has stuck firmly in a lot of our memories – and I would assume in Bic’s – as the most stupid and sexist product a company could launch. Perhaps SEAT thought we would only be pissed off about pens, because what every woman really wants is a girly sparkly car complete with a lipstick (or was it a tampon?) holder and extra mirrors (for checking we look perfect at all times, naturally).

It’s not enough that we have to pay extra for stuff like razors – because ours are pink and smell of roses and that costs more or something – we now need to fork out more for the "most feminine car". But SEAT have been quick to point out that this is no “car for women” created by men – it’s a “car for women” created by Cosmopolitan readers and editors, which apparently makes it all better. Yet for me, this is the most depressing thing about it. While Cosmopolitan is not my favourite magazine, you would think that, after the decades it has been around, it would know its target audience and avoid being sexist and patronising towards them?

Perhaps Cosmo just thought we needed another thing to worry about. After all, we have mastered contouring our faces and matching our clothes with our accessories. I can only assume, after flicking through a copy of the mag, with its beauty tips and must-buy skin care products, that Cosmo feels we will look so much more attractive if only we could just accessorise with a purple – sorry, Violetto – car featuring “surprisingly” sparkly alloys, champagne coloured door mirrors and headlights with an “eyeliner shape”.

Because the very point of women is to look as attractive as possible at all times and their cars should be an exstention of that, how could I forget?

Another terrifying thing to consider is that this is Hearst’s (the publisher that owns Cosmo) way of “exploring new revenue streams”, following the decline of print circulation across the magazine sector. Is this really the future of journalism? I have a feeling that Hearst is soon going to be wishing it stuck to its day job, if it doesn’t already.

Of course, the editors at Cosmo can’t admit that they are only trying to flog cars because nobody is buying their mag anymore and the press release includes lots of ridiculous hyperbole to justify it. This, from Hearst Magazine’s senior vice president and editorial director, Kim St. Clair Bodden, caught my eye. She says: “Cosmopolitan is the biggest, most powerful young women’s brand in the world, engaging and inspiring our readers to achieve the fun, fearless lives they want.”

You know what Kim? The life I want to lead is one where I don’t have to drive around in a special car, or write with special pink pens, purely because I happen to be woman. It really isn’t so much to ask.