It’s heartbreaking that my mother can’t hold my baby because of coronavirus. I won’t take closeness for granted again

I found out I was pregnant in August 2019. It was unplanned, but I was over the moon. I’d had extensive abdominal surgery because of inflammatory bowel disease, and I’d been told I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally.

Most of my pregnancy felt healthy and a breeze. But from week 27 I started experiencing complications, and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and pregnancy-induced hypertension. I was swollen and having to prick my finger with a needle four times a day to check my blood sugar levels, but I knew it would all be worth it in the end when I got to meet my beautiful baby boy.

But when I was 34 weeks pregnant, the pandemic started. And six weeks before I was due to give birth we went into lockdown.

I know I’m not an exception. I know there are lots of women in the position I am in currently, and it is a scary and awful time for us all.

During the last few weeks of my pregnancy, my partner was no longer able to accompany me in the hospital for scans and checkups – which, due to my diabetes and high blood pressure, I had three times a week. At 37 weeks I experienced reduced movements, and at 38 weeks it was decided that I would have my baby two days later. My partner was in the car when I called him to tell him we would be having our baby the following day.

On 9 April 2020, I gave birth. My partner had to be completely masked up in full PPE for my C-section. He got to see his son being born and could hold him – albeit with gloves on – but he had to leave as soon as I went down to the postnatal ward. I stayed in hospital for three days after that, and my partner was only allowed to visit once a day, in full PPE, for one hour. It was hard seeing him trying to bond with his son with a mask on. I couldn’t wait to get home.

After leaving the hospital, we entered a world of abnormality. Everything we had been looking forward to was closed or cancelled. There was none of the usual new parent stuff: grandparents coming over to help out while we napped, no travelling to see other family members, no people coming into the house, no physical support (thank god for FaceTime, right?). But do you know what’s been the hardest thing since having my baby?

The fact my mother hasn’t been allowed to hold him.

She had been so excited about my pregnancy. It was her first grandchild and she couldn’t wait to meet him. Ever since we told her the news, she had been dreaming of giving him his first cuddle. Of being there for me in the hospital. Of getting the “first” moment every grandparent dreams of. But my son is now seven weeks and she hasn’t been able to be closer to him than two metres.

Of course I understand the social-distancing rule, and we’re all going through horrendous times, but watching her chat away on FaceTime in an attempt to bond with him is awful, when I know all she wants to do is pick him up and cuddle him close. And it’s what I want, too.

She should be able to hold him, to bond with him, to show my son all the love she has to give to him. She should be coming round my house to take him for half an hour while I clean the house and do some work. She shouldn’t be filled with tears every time she realises this isn’t coming any time soon.

It’s severely affected her mental health. Throughout the last few weeks of my pregnancy, she completely self-isolated so that she could be there for me, hoping that perhaps restrictions would be eased by the time he was here. But the measures only became stricter.

Having my baby boy has been the biggest blessing, but this virus has taken away so many special things.

It has taken a toll on my mental health and I worry that my son won’t be able to bond with my mum properly once she does finally get to hold him. I’m worried he will be too anxious to be held by anyone other than me and his dad, because we’re all he knows. We do FaceTime his grandparents every day, but there’s only so much a camera can do. My son knows his granny’s voice, but not her, and it’s just so upsetting.

It breaks my heart that so many other grandmothers are in the same position right now. All we want to do is share this truly special time with our families, but it is impossible.

This situation has been even more infuriating when we see others flouting the rules, when we’re missing out on so much to keep ourselves and others safe.

I’m relieved that the rules are being somewhat relaxed, so that we can see larger groups of friends and family at a distance in the garden, but when I see that non-essential stores and restaurants are opening, I struggle to understand the government’s decisions. We can shop for garden stuff, queue for the supermarket click and collect (where it is almost impossible to social distance) and sit in a car for the McDonald’s drive-through – but my son can’t physically meet his granny?

I understand we’ve got to wait for it to be deemed safer. And I will never do anything to put my son at risk. But once it is allowed, I will take advantage of that and make sure my mum gets to make up for lost time. And I will never, ever, take it for granted.

Doing this alone with just my partner has been tough, and we’re strong enough to keep going until it’s safe. But I am dreaming of the day my boy can have cuddles from his grandparents. I’m dreaming of the day he can learn what “normal” life is like. I’m dreaming of the day this is all over.