Thank God for the police’s new lockdown guidelines – now I’m even more confused about what I shouldn’t do

This morning, I crept out of my house in my dressing gown and slippers and over to my neighbour across the road. I picked up the waterproof tape she had left for me on her doorstep. She had answered my SOS on our street WhatsApp group, I had a paddling pool filter leak which needed urgent attention. I mended the leak, scuttled back out to return the tape to her doorstep, washed my hands and am now cowering in my home wondering if a police Swat team is going to swoop in and arrest me for a non-essential journey.

The College of Policing has published guidelines which seem more open to interpretation than before, with a few baffling contradictions. To be fair, it must have been a headache of a meeting to decide what is acceptable and what isn’t. These are, after all... all together now… unprecedented times.

“So I reckon they can drive for walks as long as the walk is longer than the drive.”

“Well, what if they are slow drivers but fast walkers?”

“Hmm... as long as they don’t have a picnic.”

“But if they are allowed long walks now, they’ll need refreshments, so... a small picnic? Could we allow that? Just a small, essential picnic?”

‘Well OK, but as long as they eat crouching down and face away from the wind. No Tupperware or miniature scotch eggs. I can’t stand miniature scotch eggs, far too dry.”

Who knows how they arrive at decisions which say buying your favourite chocolate biscuits is OK but buying paint brushes to paint your kitchen is not. I understand that encouraging DIY is not the most sensible thing at the moment. The last thing hospitals need is bored quantity surveyors on lockdown deciding that now is the best time to learn how to use power tools. But what’s essential to one person isn’t to somebody else. Making people without gardens feel like murderers, because they’ve sat down for a bit to feel the sun on their face and the grass between their fingers, does feel a little unfair.

It was my understanding that we were all allowed an hour of outdoor exercise a day, but the new guidelines don’t specify how many times we can leave the house every day. Can I go for a run AND walk the dog? I’ve tried running with my dog but she’s much faster than me and the whole thing made me feel inadequate. Lockdown with an athletic golden retriever is very tricky. It’s like living with a giant, yellow, moulting Joe Wicks, jumping up and down at you, willing you to just be more bloody fit than you can be bothered to be.

Speaking of dogs, there has been no word of how many times we can walk them per day. I have heard on the doggie grapevine that some owners (not me. Definitely not me. It may have looked like me but it was somebody else) take them out at the crack of dawn, when there’s hardly anyone about, then take them out again later on and pretend that’s their first walk. I do not judge these people.

Mine is a very intelligent, young gun dog and if she isn’t sufficiently exercised, she destroys our belongings. It’s just as well we are on lockdown, none of us have matching pairs of shoes anymore. This morning, I went out with one trainer on one foot and an Ugg boot on the other.

The police have a very tricky job laying down exact rules for social distancing because one person’s common sense is another person’s “what do you mean I can’t have a rave during lockdown?”. We all regard different things to be essential. Even in normal times, it’s annoying when you obey the rules and somebody else breaks them. I try not to but I’ve found myself looking at a group of people walking in the park, narrowing my eyes and thinking, “there is no way those people are in isolation together. They’re chatting about what they’ve been up to! If they lived together they’d already know!” (It’s surprising how much quality eavesdropping you can do at just two metres apart.)

When you’re adhering to rules and sacrificing seeing your own family and friends, seeing other people flout them can make you seethe.

“They are putting people’s lives at risk!” is an important point, but also, we are all missing people. We are all being robbed of lovely times, sacrificed seeing those we adore, so it seems treacherous when others refuse to do the same. I found myself glaring at young lovers on a bench this week smooching. I thought “They’ve probably told their family they’ve popped out for milk, the scallywags!” In the next moment, my heart melted, thinking, “this is all so very hard on the young, be free young lovers.”

But the next moment, I’m cross again. “If my 6- and 12-year-old can understand they would be putting vulnerable lives at risk, then why can’t two great big 18-year-old lumps?” Going for a walk during lockdown is an emotional rollercoaster.

The police are muddling through this as best they can, just like the rest of us. We have to bear this for as long as we can. If anyone needs me, I’ll be legally freezing in a leak-free paddling pool at the back of my garden.