The Sketch: Who'll take the rap for any gun crime the US commits on Iraq?

A liquorice allsorts of a day in the Commons, until Tony Blair came into the chamber to show off to MPs the photos, mementos and duty-free deals he had amassed while visiting his best buddy, George Bush, in Washington.

The afternoon started with fun and games. Questions to Tessa Jowell and her junior ministers at Culture, Media and Sport had prompted a thin turn-out. Many MPs were skiving off at the prospect, held out by Ms Jowell to Labour's Michael Foster and Phil Sawford, of compulsory school sports enforced by "sports co-ordinators".

Ms Jowell gave reams of statistics showing how much public money was being spent to "transform PE and school sport". "Marvellous," shouted Nicholas Soames, the blue-blooded Tory. His ideas of sport in school are likely to be hunting, shooting and fishing.

But what really exercised Mr Soames was Chris Bryant (Lab Rhondda) who was worked up about the state of London West End theatres "where the seats were built for backsides of the Victorian era, not of a modern era, or indeed of an American size". Mr Soames exercised himself into considerable merriment, terrifying little John Bercow sitting alongside him. Something about bottom, of which Mr Soames has much, seems to get him going.

But it was the SNP's Peter Wishart and Labour's Angela Eagle who put us in the mood for the Prime Minister when they quizzed the Culture minister Kim Howells on possible links between rap music and gun crime. Mr Wishart was desperate to know what kind of music George Bush listened to and believed this must be the cause for any forthcoming gun crime the US was about to commit in Iraq. But Ms Eagle knew her rap music, asking Mr Howells if "he will acknowledge Grand Master Flash and his very seminal record 'The Message' which preached against gun violence?"

At this point, Grand Master Flash, in the shape of Tony Blair, arrived, looking anxious to keep the peace with backbenchers. And with fun and games questions drawing to a close, both parties' whips' offices appeared to have made attendance for Mr Blair's statement compulsory. To a sombre House, the Prime Minister expressed the obligatory condolences to the US over the shuttle disaster. There was little mention of what happened between President and Prime Minister. Perhaps Mr Blair was happy to trade on the press reports of a rift with Mr Bush; at least such reports helped to draw the sting from his critics.

He gave a restatement of time running out, the need to try to get another UN resolution and a final reminder that President Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and the threats they pose must be confronted.

The Tories rumbled their support and IDS did his "shoulder to shoulder" with Mr Blair. Charles Kennedy spoke for sceptical public opinion but he appeared off-song, a bad cold for the past fortnight doing nothing to help. Labour whips had their stooges present and the unofficial opposition on the back benches, unusually, made less of an impression. The game really is up now and everyone just wants to get the wretched business over with, rather like compulsory school sport.

mrbrown@pimlico.freeserve.co.uk