The Sketch: Idle pleasantries of Yuletide mask a bovver boy MP

It was Christmas cheers all round in the Commons yesterday for the Eric and Robin weekly show, which put on a suitably festive performance. This show is otherwise known as business questions to the Leader of the House and stars Robin Cook and Eric Forth.

Unfortunately, Mr Forth forgot his line and asked Mr Cook "to give us the business for next week". Unless Mr Scrooge is alive and well, there are no Commons sittings next week, but shivers ran down spines when Mr Cook began by: "It would be a pleasure, Mr Speaker." Actually, Mr Forth would have made an excellent film Mr Scrooge, especially when he came over all cuddly in his supplementary to Mr Cook. "Earlier this week the Leader of the House asked me, I thought rather plaintively, if I could bear to be pleasant today and I can tell you, Mr Speaker, that I have as a result taken a crash course in emollience and seasonal goodwill." He conveyed Yuletide greetings to Mr Cook "and through him to his mother", to the Speaker and his deputies and to all MPs, to the clerks and officers of the house and "to the world generally".

But he reverted to type as he said "That's the pleasant bit over" and returned to his bovver-boy instincts with an accusation that there was a serious case of DMPs at the Ministry of Defence. MPs looked puzzled until Mr Forth explained that this was code for "Defence Ministry porkies". But Mr Cook was determined the happy atmosphere should not be spoiled and complimented Mr Forth on his crash course in politeness and good cheer "which we can put down to another success for Labour's education policy".

Scrooge was certainly haunting the previous proceedings when Margaret Beckett was responding to questions to her Environment and Rural Affairs department. This took the ghostly form of the Liberal Democrat Andrew George who wanted Parliament recalled next week to discuss the crisis in the fishing industry.

It was a thin House; most MPs had bunked off early and five of the 18 members due to question Mrs Beckett failed to show. But this enabled a convoluted exchange to develop between her and the Tories' Desmond Swayne, who was in a tizzy over the cattle passport scheme. Apparently, there is a whole bureaucracy larger than the Passport Agency with more cattle on the move than human beings. It seems Mr Swayne is angry that the department is using second-class stamps to dispatch these vital documents instead of recorded delivery.

This may account for why I have been inundated with Christmas cards as the mail is obviously so gummed up with Buttercup's travel documents. But Christmas cards from MPs can do more than send Christmas greetings. They tell a political story and can restore frosty political relations. After 18 months of being ignored by Michael Portillo, I have received a sign. Not only was the card personally inscribed but he also added "warm regards". Is this advance notice of another leadership bid?