The Sketch: Schools should warn children about crack, sexual diseases and politicians

The Americanisation of British life continues inexorably. "If all parents raised their children with love, respect and encouragement," David Kidney told the House, "there would be great financial gains to be made."

I can't think which part of his proposition was the more transatlantic. It certainly didn't sound English. He was asking the Home Office what government information was being made available to enable parents to love their children more effectively and thereby reduce their demands on the social services budget.

"At times," Hilary Benn replied quietly, "we all need support and encouragement." The Sketch says: What a big, fat, barefaced, scab-necked, arse-boil of a lie! Speak for yourself you great, gangling, gesticulating symbol of the hereditary principle! And welcome to your new ministerial position!

Oliver Letwin intervened on this positive parenting question. Tories really do care, you know. It's because they have a softer side. Caring party. Nice party. Nice, nice party. Who said that? What's going on? Where was I? Oliver Letwin. He said that 80 per cent of children who display behavioural problems by the age of five go on to acts of criminality in the fullness of time. Mr Benn agreed. "We do need to do more to intervene earlier."

"Is bullying a big problem?" Shaun Woodward asked, the most bullied Member of Parliament. He is bullied because he's different. He's very different. He's a parliamentary hermaphrodite. He can justify appalling bullying merely by taking off his coat and tie and unbuttoning his shirt just to put a panel of children at their ease. It makes you want to pick him up by his nostrils and swing him round the room.

We're not on the floor of the House any more, we've moved to a select committee room where some 10- to 16-year-olds are giving evidence on their need for a children's rights commissioner.

"How do you think a commissioner would help bullying?" Mr Woodward asked.

"The commissioner would help by getting in touch with children and helping them," the girl replied. It was touching, actually. It was what children think politicians do. It's what voters think politicians do.

I'm not sure whether these children were voters or politicians. They were too young to vote, but not too young to involve themselves in the political process. Politicians applaud this. They call it connecting with the community. I call it corrupting the young.

Children are always aggrieved, but the list of grievances is getting longer. The councils just build a youth club or a skateboard park and leave it at that. They should have places for kids to go when they're in trouble which has a commissioner with the power to change things. They are at that age of childish rebellion when they refuse to wear nose rings. And just to annoy the Sketch they profess a cultish faith in the good things that politics can deliver. Politics ought to be on the school curriculum somewhere between the dangers of crack cocaine and sexually transmitted diseases.

I fear for these children. In 15 years they could be on the government front bench. Eighty per cent of children with early behavioural problems go wrong in later life, as Oliver Letwin says. These poor kids, they haven't got a chance.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com