The Sketch: Pygmies shoot poisoned darts at wounded PM
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Your support makes all the difference.The Pygmies are gathering for the elephant hunt. The protocol is thousands of years old. They find the elephant. They creep up and shoot a poison dart into it. Because they're small they can't use much poison (to be honest I'm a little hazy on the details). The elephant doesn't realise anything is wrong for days. Suddenly it falls over in paralytic convulsions and the pygmies skin it, butcher it, dress themselves in the best bits and eat what's left (quite a lot, usually).
The Pygmies are gathering for the elephant hunt. The protocol is thousands of years old. They find the elephant. They creep up and shoot a poison dart into it. Because they're small they can't use much poison (to be honest I'm a little hazy on the details). The elephant doesn't realise anything is wrong for days. Suddenly it falls over in paralytic convulsions and the pygmies skin it, butcher it, dress themselves in the best bits and eat what's left (quite a lot, usually).
This meditation on the fate of wounded prime ministers has added poignancy when we look at Tony Blair. He has recently been attacked by some of the mildest MPs in his party, ones that make Geoffrey Howe look lupine. A couple of weeks ago, Kelvin Hopkins told him the Spanish were abolishing the independent status of the very hospital that formed the basis of the foundation hospital scheme. Last week, Bob Wareing attacked the Prime Minister on the visceral level of trust and morality. This week, Gordon Prentice joined the elephant hunt and fired off a dart accusing the Prime Minister of national pointlessness.
Ten years ago, Mr Prentice said, the Prime Minister had been elected to lead the Labour party on a programme of change and renewal. "Can he think of a single act of renewal which would make the British people sit up and take notice?"
Mr Blair felt the sting. As Tories cheered he numbered off the Government's achievements in a very interesting way. He mentioned economic stability. Very low unemployment. The minimum wage. Massive investment in the health service. His backbenches received all this in stony silence. But that's a silence we've heard before. The interesting thing was that these were all Gordon Brown's achievements. Why didn't he mention his own achievements? What were they again? Foundation hospitals, top-up fees and ... there's one other thing, what was it again? Oh yes, invading Iraq.
No, he completely failed to mention cash machine fines, the abolition of the position of Lord Chancellor, detention without trial, a new information system for the NHS costing 10 times the original estimate, filthy hospitals, a debauched system of national statistics and boiling, terrorising chaos in the heart of the Middle East. Funny, that.
NB: Sketch scoop. A fox got into the Palace of Westminster. It was discovered on the fifth floor of Portcullis House. Officers apprehended the animal and escorted it off the premises yesterday morning with a noose round its neck. Foxes are cunning, as we know, damned cunning. But how it got past security is a mystery. Perhaps it had faked a pass. Perhaps it had pretended to be an electrical contractor. Perhaps it had claimed to be consulting its MP on the Hunting Bill. We can only thank God it wasn't an al-Qa'ida suicide fox evacuating nuclear waste on our carpets. Next time we may not be so lucky.
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