The Sketch: It's goodbye from old Mick – but surely we won't get another dud

So, farewell then Michael Martin. It was his valedictory yesterday. Very kind man, by all accounts. Many MPs testified to that. Being nice to people. It's harder than it sounds, I agree.

The old boy made his long goodbye with many thanks to many people at all levels, high and low. In a popular connection with the world outside, he took a swipe at MPs in general and party leaders in particular. The former hadn't bothered to show up to vote on his committee's proposals on expenses – and those that did turn up, defeated them. As for those leaders, if only "they had shown the leadership then that they are showing now" all would be much better than it is.

That's the leadership question. In an assembly of cats, some sort of herding ability helps in times of crisis.

Is the Speaker important? Had he carried his programme, things probably would be different, and yes, better. So, it's not an insignificant thing, the speakership. But there are many different interests at play here.

The Sketch has considered the succession at many levels. Personally, constitutionally, parliamentarially to name but three.

The result? A ringing endorsement for John Bercow.

With any two Tories in the final two, Bercow will certainly win. With Labour votes, Bercow beats Sir George, or Sir Patrick or Sir Alan or Sir Michael – look, he's the only Tory running who hasn't got a Tory title.

But Margaret Beckett has confused matters. It's suddenly not at all clear he would prevail over her. But let us proceed with the audacity of hope. To get two duds in a row is a rare gift from a hostile universe.

His manner, his ballooning mouth, his standing across the House, the fact he is psychologically unsuitable – these things endear him to sketch writers everywhere.

But he might not get it. There are some negatives we – I think I can say "we" – need to work on.

Money. Envy is one problem. MPs have calculated his pay-off, should the Tories unseat him next year. He'll get around £3m, real terms, in Speaker pension, if he lives to 90. It doesn't matter how long you do this job, it seems, the pension is yours in perpetuity. We need to make the poorer MPs aware how degrading the sin of envy is. This is a job for Andrew Dismore. He can make MPs aware of their failings, it's what he's best at.

Also, Labour's Scottish Catholic vote is having doubts about a pro-abortion, pro-gay rights candidate. They rightly hate the Tories for bringing down Brother Martin – but they also fear their Vatican instructions more. We do need to work on those Jimmies, so let's send over Martin Salter with some spiritual advice, preferably in litre bottles.

There are all those exaggerations about the Monday Club, and the Repatriation Committee. Being sacked from the Federation of Conservative Students. John has defused them by acknowledging the "journey" he's been on. It's not a problem, frankly. And that story from a committee chair? Youthful indiscretion. Who hasn't broken up a meeting when young?

His speaking manner. That way he has of creating such long sentences and we only know what it's about when we get to the last word ("Luton" or "domestic abuse"). We need that to be spun as "parliamentary". Who can do that? Alastair Campbell. Get him.

Now, dishing the Tories by electing their greatest hate figure is a terrific joke. But there is an equal and opposite joke. The Commons could elect three Labour Speakers in a row, but only because the Conservatives had begged them – got down on their horny Tory knees and shed real tears to beg them – for a third Labour Speaker. That's almost as funny. We must make sure no one laughs at it.

simoncarr@sketch.sc