The Sketch: Enter Mr Prescott, snarling and talking in no known tongue

The Deputy Prime Minister, eyes deep with pain, swiped and snarled round the despatch box like some baited bear. He doesn't seem to be particularly good at anything so he serves Parliament and the people in the only way he can: by poignantly reminding us of our animal origins. Species hubris is impossible for anyone who has seen this roaring, glaring, suffering creature at the stake.

Sir Michael Spicer began a question in a way that Tories shouldn't: "I met a taxi driver the other day" (fatal pause, general derision) "and he had a second job as a firefighter. Is he aware of any other examples like this?"

John Prescott's answer deserves a full transliteration: "Yes, yes, I think I note the point. If I can join the two points together. There are many fire workers who will tell you they do take a second job. In some reasons it's because they say they don't get enough on the basic ... in some cases it's to get a second income." A very good answer, in the circumstances.

The FBU's Andy Gilchrist was sitting in a gallery above the floor of the House as Mr Prescott spoke, taking notes. He didn't realise you can't write down what he says, even if you know shorthand. What Mr Prescott says looks like shorthand but can't be caught without sophisticated – even psychic – recording devices. The union leader was accompanied by one of his accomplices, and they both threw up their hands when Mr Prescott let slip some secret deal relating to national emergencies.

Time and again Mr Prescott stated there would be absolutely no government money to fund a rise of more than 4 per cent. All we can deduce from that is the Government will fund the rise up to 11 per cent.

He was asked several times whether one of his officials had worked out the costs of the deal struck that Thursday night (have you been following this? The Government claims the all-night deal was unacceptable because it was uncosted). The beast snarled and swiped and batted the air with his great paws but wouldn't say. Eventually James Paice asked whether the figure his official had worked out was in fact £240m. "No costs were given!" he cried, and then by way of clarification: "Costs were bandied about!"

If the Government is supposed to be speaking with one voice, they should shut Mr Prescott up, because he speaks with three voices in no known tongue.

What comes out of all this is the Government's absolute inability to modernise anything. The firefighters enjoy the most Hispanic practices of any organisation outside the consultants' National Health Service. They work two shifts, sleep two shifts and get four days off. If Tony Blair can't "modernise" them, what can he modernise? The dispute exposes the vast sham of New Labour's strategy of extra spending in return for public service reform. They've done the easy thing – racking up surpluses in boom times – but real reform is far beyond them.

I couldn't see it from where I was sitting but blond backbencher Boris Johnson was throwing (not flicking, but really chucking) V-signs at hostile reporters in the gallery. Is this any way for a future parliamentarian of the year to behave? I think it probably is.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com