The Sketch: Cameron's dark arts have even won over opposition MPs

You might be getting sick of hearing what a character David Cameron cuts in the Commons, but there can be no compromise with the readership.

He is the nation's host. He's so glad we came; he welcomes, he shares, he agrees, he congratulates; he is glad members brought it up, he knows how passionately members care about this and that. He stood chatting amiably to the Speaker, smiling. To the Speaker!

I keep asking how he will fall from grace. His evasions on the frontline effects of the cuts won't do that. No, it'll be when the pursuit of power starts to operate on him – and he develops his ulterior purpose. When he begins to do things not for their own sake but to get the Opposition on the wrong side of the argument. That's when the dark side claims them.

It may be that his inheritance will help – ancestors who had power, position and influence. Maybe Eton etc inoculated him against power mania. It's possible. Who knows? We will, when the time comes.

Be that as it may, you must be told that even Labour has been charmed; yes, even Newcastle East's Nick Brown laughed at one of his sallies. Something about Cameron's magistrate mother approving of short sentences. And, "Yes, my mother did give such sentences, mostly to badly behaved CND protesters outside Greenham Common". It's easier getting a smile from Ben Nevis than Brown, but the possibility of Mrs Cameron sending Harriet to jail for public order offences worked.

Harriet has stopped trying. She sends him country-house lobs over the net and he doesn't smash them back like a cad, just pops them back over her head (she doesn't run for them any more).

Poor Harriet, she's a lost leader. She could have gone down in history as Labour's Iain Duncan Doodah.

The leaderless party has decided it's not worth engaging. Even on Sheffield Forgemasters they can't win. Why doesn't the Government grant £80m to the company, they ask, week after week? Why would public money be used to save private shareholders from stock dilution, Cameron replies. It's a complete answer to the question asked.

Again, Cameron can promise that all academies will have to accept children with special educational needs, and he uses the words "compassionate, tolerant and decent country" in his reply. Then, Labour and the Tory right both think, "Good grief, there could be 10 more years of this!"

Labour hopes it's just the phoney war, the dog days of the year, that life will begin anew in October when they've elected their William Hague to lead them to their second defeat. Unless, of course, it turns out to be Michael Foot.

What's her name? Piera del Stringiola? That TV presenter with the Italianate name who got elected recently? She read out an anguished letter from an eight-year-old about the free swimming for eight-year-olds pledge: "Stop the madness!" the child begged. We could feel the pain, and that only made it funnier. Piera Goes to Parliament to Fight the Cuts. But Everybody Laughs At Her and She Goes Home Again Where the Madness Stops.

twitter.com/simonsketch