The Sketch: Boris Johnson and Leighton Buzzard save us from all our fears of war
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Your support makes all the difference.The world is about to change irrevocably, so Parliament dealt at length with Scottish post offices. The rights of Sunday shop workers were pretty robustly defended, too (how about the right not to be flash-fried by flying First World gunships?). There were no statements, there were no urgent questions.
I could think of a few urgent questions, not least: Why is Helen Liddell employing Rosa Klebb's hairstylist? Here's another one: What has Boris Johnson been offered? Has he been taken aside by the whips and told: Get into the chamber more, Boz, and we'll make you a junior shadow something or other? He's turning up. At one point, early in Scottish questions, he constituted a significant proportion of the Conservative parliamentary attendance (25 per cent by number and 28 per cent by volume). He then tried to get in on three questions about the court systems, demonstrating the second great political talent – standing up. He did this in various ways: slowly, quickly, purposefully, humbly, forgetfully and submissively. His range of standing-up techniques is wide but insufficient. The gnarled old Speaker refused to call him until the question changed to one about consultants.
Then the Speaker called him immediately and Boris asked his court question anyway. People laughed and cheered (a very bad augury for a parliamentary career).
I heard last year that Michael Portillo solicited Boris Johnson's vote in the Tories' leadership election. En passant, he advised his young colleague on the need to decide between being a politician and a comedian. So Mr Johnson quite rightly voted for Ken Clarke (Mr Portillo lost his place by one vote to someone whose name escapes me but who went on to beat Mr Clarke in the final). Had Mr Portillo demonstrated the first political talent (politeness to plump haystack heads) he would now be leader of the Conservatives, for even he would have beaten Mr Clarke. So Boris already has his place in political history.
Another theory has it that the sheer gangland brutality of The Daily Telegraph's sketchwriting has shamed him into turning up. Linguistic analysis shows that Frank Johnson has the same surname as Boris. Perhaps they are related. But then, most people who write for the Telegraph are called Johnson (Frank, Boris, Daniel, Paul, Rachel, R W, Magic and who knows how many others). This may all be part of an extended family feud.
I make a plea for people to resist the temptation to frost Boris Johnson's budding parliamentary career. He has a glamour. He's clever. And his vocabulary ("fructify", "squirrel") means you never know what he will say next.
You may think this is all given undue emphasis. I agree. But then, the next most interesting thing that we learned yesterday in Parliament is that Leighton Buzzard may become the second largest town in Bedfordshire. Of such days is the phoney war composed.
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