The Sketch: A blatant leadership speech by the Three Named Man

The conference finished with the best speech by a Tory unknown since William Hague's in 1977. And look how well that turned out. Yes, that young man became leader of the party. History may repeat itself, for yesterday's was a blatant leadership speech (the Sketch is trained to spot these nuances).

"Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man," he said to very great applause. It allowed the audience to suspend disbelief. Time was they preferred to suspend drug dealers and union bosses, but things are changing.

Now they probably won't suspend him, whoever he is.

Why anyone wants to lead the Conservative party in these difficult times is not fully known – it's not true that someone has to do it. The recent years have shown us that, if nothing else. Call me old-fashioned but I say a party needs a leader. So well done, conference organisers. It was bold to take a bald man with three names and give him the most important slot of the week.

This party is at its best when at its boldest. Or is it the other way round? Or is that the other party altogether? It's hard to tell the difference now that they are twining around each other like a pair of miscegenating serpents.

Each party, have you noticed, is committing itself to commitments the other is committed to. The government stole policy from the previous government and now the Opposition wants to become the Government by stealing it back again.

The Tory Policy Machine (six men in a pub) came up with their health idea (foundation hospitals, independent of the state) and presented it as their radical, ground-breaking notion just as Labour was releasing it as official government policy.

The rhetoric is equally close. The Three Named Man told us that "the privileges for the few must be the opportunities for the many". Tony Blair has been saying this for six years. Tories are now saying that the state should fund public services but not run them. That too is being pitched as official government policy in education as well as health.

Of course, the Government won't stick to it, but why do we think the Opposition would either? The one solid policy hit (delivered earlier in the week by another leadership contender) was the right to buy. It was back, the Man With Three Names growled threateningly at the audience. They were not cowed. They loved it. They always love it when things are brought back. In happier days it was the birch they wanted back, now it's the right to buy. Bringing things back puts them in touch with their deepest principles. It's why they're called Conservatives.

After a week of group therapy they've agreed they're going to trust people, unless they're sitting on Tory selection panels. Local people will always be trusted to do the right thing unless they fail to do what Central Office dictates, which is to choose more women, gays and ethnic minorities as parliamentary candidates. If they refuse to do what they're trusted to do, they will be liquidated. In a final example of political symmetry, that's Labour policy too.

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