Conference Sketch: Clever Letwin disputed my psephology. Was he taking the epistemology?

At a fringe meeting, Oliver Letwin used the word "ontological" to a roomful of Tories. They loved it. They gave a collective shiver of thrilled submission. It's the new Tory deviance: cleverness. And Letwin's not just clever, he's an intellectual. Brain sticks out of his head. In response to a question, he told me my analysis of the marginal seats was "psephologically fallacious". Do what, Ol? You accusing my psephology of fallacy? You don't want to do that, my son. My psephology is sensitive. It is very, very sensitive. Are you sure it's wise to take the epistemology? Intellectual capacity is one thing, judgement is another.

Six months ago, it was absurd to think of Mr Letwin as a possible leader. It still is but you hear his name about. He probably would run, if it came to it. Certainly, he's denied he would; he's also dropped his voice from a tenor to a baritone. The Daily Telegraph would support him (it worked for the incumbent). And he supports his leader by saying: "I'm fed up with this charisma stuff ... All this stuff about leadership and charisma is junk. Guts and conviction are the qualities that count." He also said that he himself has no charisma. It takes guts to display convictions like that.

He's a natural leader, on his own definition.

He also says with astonishing, if unintended, disloyalty: "It's important that Labour can't describe our policies as 'slash and burn' policies." And therein lies the problem for the Tories. The current leader just hasn't got the brain power to resist Tony Blair's cruel and misleading characterisation of his policies. Twenty per cent cuts! Mr Thing refuses to be drawn into the argument. He's got the intellectual confidence of a jam jar full of earthworms. Microwaved tripe has a higher IQ. This doesn't disqualify you from running the Tory party, but it stops you defeating Labour's leader.

Nor is this to say that Mr Clever Clogs is ready to lead the party. Cleverness may be necessary but is not sufficient. Too many verbs weary the audience. Too much syntax confuses them. Some good ideas but serpentine sentences. And then there's the occasional ontology. His role is surely resident intellectual, the Keith Joseph de ses jours, who will be undone by something so spectacularly silly that only someone as clever as he could propose it. That may have happened already.

Chatting around the joint yesterday, there were half a dozen Tories coming out clearly and frankly and very, very quietly to say that the leader must go; preferably by the end of next week. Actually it couldn't be easier to engineer - they only need a couple of dozen signatories to a letter of discontent (and by some accounts they've already got 20). Anonymity is guaranteed, in theory at least. What's stopping them? It seems they're waiting for the press to destabilise Mr Thing on the one hand, and for their constituency chairs to give them a steer on the other. For a party that espouses initiative and individual responsibility this all seems disgracefully lame.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com