Deborah Ross: Thanks to Beyoncé, I have the fire within

If you ask me, and fed up of being plain old, boring Deborah Ross, I knew what I had to do and I did it. I walked into The Perfume Shop and spritzed myself with Beyoncé's Heat Rush, which is absolutely essential if you want to "unleash the fire within" and express "a woman's powerful sensuality."

I then stepped onto the Tube where the effect was instant. Mostly, I suspect, it was the fire burning within, which is always hard to miss, but there was also this way I now had of being "sexy and elegant yet feminine with an air of mystery". Whatever, the men in the carriage could not take their eyes off me. Some even visibly trembled, while one put down his Metro and said: "If I didn't know you were pregnant, I'd have you right here and now, between Finsbury Park and Seven Sisters." I smiled. Yes, my smile was elegant, sexy and feminine with an air of mystery but, more than that, it was also the smile of a woman "who is not afraid to desire and be desired" although probably not all the way to Walthamstow. I had no reason to go there, it would be a faff getting back, and even though I now had the sort of energy that "surges, pulsates and electrifies" I didn't wish to waste any of it. I had my unborn child to think of.

As soon as I arrived home, I knew my husband, whom I generally bore just as I bore everyone else, could tell I had left as one woman and returned as another. He didn't say as much. He didn't say: "Gosh, how do you surge, pulsate and electrify like that?" Or: "Your powerful sensuality is knocking me for six, love." Or even: "You appear to be on fire." He didn't have to. I could tell by his look as he reached for the fire blanket; a look of pure longing mixed with lust. "You smell...," he finally said, "like someone who is sexy and strong, lights up a room, and captivates everyone with her presence." He then had me by the laundry basket, before rushing out to buy me precious gems and a sports car, which was not only exciting but also immensely decent, considering I am carrying another man's child.

Why am I informing you of all this? For a reason, which is the following reason: some people say celebrity fragrances are just a cynical marketing exercise but, I'm telling you, they really do work. You can buy into a celebrity's lifestyle totally. And tomorrow? Tomorrow I think I might be J-Lo, and smell of a great big sexy bottom.