Deborah Ross: Thank you, New Testament, for letting me beat my slaves

If you ask me, and as I am always the first to admit it when I'm wrong, unless I am the last and right all along anyway, I would like to offer my apologies to all those who were offended by my thoughts on a "return to Christian values", which I interpreted as having to live by the laws of the Old Testament when, of course, I should have been referring to the New Testament.

I can be a dolt, I know, and I certainly wish I'd worked this out before stoning my neighbour, Lisa, to death for being on her second marriage, which is considered adultery and so punishable in this way. Shame, as now I'll never be able to borrow her fish kettle again. I did ask her widowed husband if I might still do so, or if he would actually need to cook big fish from now on, with one less at the table, but all he would say was: "Piss off. And don't let me ever see you again!"

I hoped the New Testament would prove less awkward, and so far it is all going quite well. Thankfully, I don't have to get rid of my slaves (Debenhams also does good slaves, although John Lewis does a longer warranty) and may now even beat them when I wish (Luke 12:47). I like to beat my slaves during the boring bits of MasterChef, when they recap everything, as it gives me something more interesting to do, although, of course, you are free to beat your own slaves at a time of convenience to you.

I have also, you will be pleased to hear, refused to buy The Big Issue, because the poor will always be with us (Mark 14:3-7), cut off my hand, which did a naughty thing under my nightie once (Matthew 5:29-30), turned the other cheek (Luke 6:29.) while hoping it was the correct other cheek – I opted for the left one – and went to the dentist who had lately taken out one of my teeth, so I took out one of his. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and all that (Matthew 5:38-42). I then went to the opticians but they put up the "closed" sign when they saw me coming.

One thing I noted, though: there is no mention of homosexuality or abortion in the New Testament or Gospels which means, surely, I can't invoke "Christian values" to be against either, unless I go back to the Old Testament.

Honestly, anyone would think you could just pick out the biblical references that confirm your own prejudices! As if! Now, please don't get in a tizzy again, as I like this job, it pays, and I'm going to have to buy my own fish kettle which, I'm hoping, I can still manoeuvre with just the one hand.