Cooper Brown: He's out there

I'm back from Italy and haven't heard from Victoria, which is kind of depressing. I got a snotty letter from a law firm representing the lord I punched out. He wants to take me to court. Ben says that I haven't got a hope in hell of winning because he's "establishment" and they always beat foreigners in court as they've usually buggered the judge at boarding school or something.

He comes up with a great plan to cheer me up - we're going to take the Maserati for a drive down to Cornwall where his family are the "big cheeses" in town. We meet at Tom's Deli in Notting Hill where I spot, sitting in broad daylight, Salman Rushdie.

This is a guy with the biggest fatwa on his head and he's just there casually with no security flicking a big rigid digit to the mad mullahs who want him lynched. I go right over to him in full schmooze mode - "Mr Rushdie, it's an honour to meet you, I'm a BIG fan, I work in the industry and I'm telling you that this has got to be the right time to make Satanic Verses into a movie."

I just blurt it out like a total nerd because I really do think it would be a smash and I'd just been talking about it to a guy at a meeting two weeks back as an example of how Brit Cinema needed to make an impact. I try to shake Rushdie's hand but he gets real nervous and kind of ignores me and I realise that no one knows who he is apart from me and that's how he can go out in public. I give him a knowing wink and leave him to his cappuccino. He's a great man.

Ben walks in with two hot-looking chicks who are coming with us. One rides shotgun with me and we talk all the way down. She works at Channel 4 and by the time we get to Dorset she is pitching me with an idea to front a new TV show called Sex On The Beach. It's about eight disabled people who train up to be professional cocktail barmen and then have to perform in various bars and the one who does best actually becomes a professional barman. I was a bit unsure as to why they'd want to do that, but that's not my problem. I have to go and audition next week.

Talking about sex on the beach, we get to a place called Rock - Jesus frickin' Christ, I've never seen anything like it. It's like a candy store down there, literally thousands of hot preppie types getting loaded and making out. It's like "College Girls Go Wild". I guess it's your equivalent of Spring Break. Ben's house is the biggest place in town and overlooks the whole bay. He gives me a big knowing wink. He really is the best friend a guy can get. Suffice to say that we had a pretty special time...

Three days later I'm back in London and it's too hot to work even though I get Blackberried by Danielle who tells me that the big boss has noticed that I haven't been in the office lately. I only met him on my first day and he works in a different building to me so I'm not exactly worried. At least I'm actually getting out there and living life and trying to work out just what you Brits want to see at the movies rather than just sitting on my fat ass like he does. Anyway, I go in and make a point of ringing him a couple of times and I tell him about pitching to Rushdie and he sounds impressed.

Thursday morning and the call from Elle finally comes - the dinner party with David Cameron that she told me about at Wimbledon is on and it's for Friday night. I go into panic mode as I don't want to look like I don't know what I'm talking about. A friend of Ben's works as a special adviser to a Tory Shadow Cabinet member so he hooks us up and I go out for a drink in a pub almost opposite Downing Street. He tells me that I should call him Dave, dress casual and say exactly what I think, as that's what Cameron likes.

I don't think I'm that nervous, but as I turn up to the house in Bayswater where the thing is happening I'm having proper anxiety attacks. I pop a couple of beta-blockers and make my entrance. Dave's there with his wife Sam, who's actually quite sexy. She's got a tattoo and designs stuff for a posh stationery company that Victoria uses and they know each other. She's really cool and I get to sit next to her while Dave's next to some City lawyer and Dido, the singer.

Sam has heard about my altercation with the Tory lord and whispers to me that Dave laughed when he heard about it as the guy has been slagging him off since he became leader. I have to admit that it's one hell of a night. I get talking to Dave at the end of the meal and he's a real charismatic guy. Turns out that he knows Ben and he tells me some juicy stories about what they got up to at Oxford together. Apparently Ben got kicked out, which he didn't tell me, for kidnapping some science geek from his room, tying him up in a bag, writing the word "rapist" on it and leaving him in the middle of the High Street - so Ben.

The evening ends, as far as I can remember, with Dido playing Supertramp songs on the piano while Dave and I are singing away to "The Logical Song". Mark my words, this guy's the next Prime Minister. Cooper out.

scoopercooper@gmail.com; www.myspace.com/scoopercooper