Charles Nevin: News from Elsewhere

Stop! Do you ever find yourself lost for words in the lift? Do you find that smiling at the indicator wears a bit thin, as a ploy, after four or five floors? What to do? Well, no one whistles any more, and humming, let me tell you, is now considered a prime indicator of mental instability, as I noticed yet again the other day in the kitchen shop, when the assistant smiled that other smile, the nervous one, accompanied by glances to the side, when I was barely halfway through what I thought was a particularly sensitive version of "My Girl Back Home" from South Pacific.

Here, though, is my solution: any number of fascinating news snippets from around the world which, if carefully doled out, with pertinent elaboration, during lift, coffee machine and canteen queue moments, will last you easily until next Monday. Let me show you what I mean. It seems, for example, that Britney Spears is going to have a boy, and that he is to be called "Preston". So you mention this, and then say that you had no idea she had any Lancashire connections but you're not entirely surprised, as the county is rich in such exotica.

Everyone knows that Butch Cassidy's dad, Max, was from Preston, so you can chat about that and the delightful possibility that the outlaw spoke with a Lancashire accent: ay-up, it's a stick-up. Mention, too, if you like, that the widow of Alexander Kerensky, premier of the second provisional government after the Russian revolution, lived in Southport; but I should save Freud's visit to Blackpool (before the Tower was built) for a more intimate moment, as, also in my experience, casual references to psychologists, even great ones, are open to the same kind of misinterpretation as humming. Actually, the drummer with Gerry and the Pacemakers lives in Southport, but that doesn't take us much further.

Comic capers

Butch Cassidy's comedy way with a bank robbery, though, established a great American tradition, and there has just been another one, in Columbus, Missouri, where the robber walked into the bank, handed the teller a note from his wallet demanding money, put the wallet on the counter, and waited. He got the cash, but forgot his wallet, which is the kind of thing that could happen to anybody when you're in a hurry. Unfortunately, the wallet had his identification inside. I have to say, as well, that after quite some study of these bank robbery reports, using a note seems to cause rather more trouble than it's worth. I know of two cases where the teller couldn't read the note, and one, in Canada, where the robber signed it.

More trouble, too, in Lithuania, where a 93-year-old woman in Klaipeda "with a grip like iron" held on to a robber by his testicles until police arrived. Soja Popova said her grip was down to years of milking goats. These Baltic states, you know, are becoming almost as fertile a ground for interesting stories as Romania, where, I note, charities are to receive the 9,829 bras tied together by a team from the Belgian town of Oostduinkerke in a successful world record attempt. Those Belgians, eh? (While we're on non-stereotypical behaviour, you should know that the Australian Dunny Derby, featuring outside toilets on wheels, is quite soon now.)

Over in Sweden, meanwhile, Malmo Library has started an interesting programme lending people instead of books. Nine people, including a gay, an imam, a journalist, and a gypsy, will be available for a 45-minute conversation in the library's outdoor cafe. The idea is to challenge prejudices, although what a journalist is doing there, I can't think, unless the cafe's got a licence.

Trust: now there's a thing. Did you see the poll showing that the Germans trust most, in declining order, (1) the Police; (2) the Aldi supermarket chain; and (3) the Pope? Leaving aside how they must be feeling at Lidl, I wonder what the result would be here? (1) I'm not sure about Sting, frankly; (2) Halfords? William Hill? The Tasty Spot kebab shop in Blackburn has never let me down, either. (3) Michael Buerk, on the other hand, has let us all down, and himself.

Bear necessities

Back to the Baltic: in Norway, three Poles have been rescued by helicopter from polar bears, which I mention mostly to pass on the fascinating information that, when the polar bear is closing in on its prey on the icy wastes, it holds its paw over its black snout so it can't be seen. And did you know about the free entry to London Zoo for people with big noses following the birth of a giant anteater there? You didn't? You have a big nose? That's a pity, as the offer is now closed.

Norway: Vikings. And, in Amsterdam, a former Hollywood stuntman has launched a viking longboat made of 15 million ice lolly sticks. He has. His plan is to sail it across the Atlantic to America; I would have thought he would have been better going to Iceland, but he's confident he can lick it.

And with the late news that a car has crashed into a new restaurant in Santiago called The Car Crash, I take my leave. Sorry? Yes, I am available to borrow, but I must warn you that I will bang on for a lot longer than 45 minutes.