Charles Nevin: Monday, Becks. Tuesday, Geri. Wednesday, Dale. Every day is Mandela day

You will have noticed, I think, that meeting Nelson Mandela is a pretty popular thing to do. Well, there are a lot of celebrities, Mother Teresa is dead, and the Pope's not feeling too well, which has rather unbalanced the market. There's always Bill Clinton, of course, but that's not quite the same thing.

No, Nelson is top man in the living saint field, particularly as he doesn't overdo the religious thing, which can be uncool. So everyone wants to meet Nelson. And they do, they do: Becks, last week, followed on from his wife and the other Spice Girls, Lennox Lewis, Bono, Charlie Dimmock, and Harry Enfield.

Those names, though, represent only a tiny fraction of the celebrities Nelson gets through. He has, of course, pronounced himself "starstruck", and he is far too polite to turn anybody away. The following is an exclusive transcript from a "fly on the wall" documentary about Mandela, currently in production, which gives a fascinating flavour of Life with Nelson.

Scene: The Mandela home, Friday afternoon last week.

Nelson Mandela: "This is indeed an honour. Your grandfather was indeed great, perhaps the greatest man of the last century. His faults were large, but honest and visible to all, and he was a true and inspiring beacon of freedom. Welcome to my house, Winston."

Dale Winton: "Gosh! To think you knew Grampy, sir! When did you meet him? Was it when you were in The Archers? Gosh!"

NM: "Ah, The Archers. A charming couple. How is Jeffrey? Still prime minister? And now, Winston, if you'll just smile ... now ... and then keep moving as there seems to be quite a crush at the door ... perhaps you would like to go and have a look at my garden. I'm rather pleased with the result of the makeover, particularly as I managed to keep that Diarmuid Gavin right out of it. Not so lucky with his lacy-cuffed oppo, unfortunately, which explains the knicker blinds and the burnt orange scatter cushions."

DW (leaving through French windows): "Gosh! It is sweet, isn't it? Oh, look! I didn't know Cilla and Sian and Tuffers and Wozza and Fash and Linda were here already! Careful with that water feature, Wayne! Gosh!"

NM (greeting new guest): "This is indeed an honour. Titchmarsh, please bring a chair for Mr Blair! He needs to rest. I know how age can take its toll. And I don't have to do dance routines!"

Tony Blair: "Gosh! Thanks. Hello, Brad, Nicole, Dr Starkey, Archbishop, nice to see you. Nelson, I confess that I have come to seek advice from the master. What's your take on the five conditions?"

NM: "Not a patch, in my view, Lionel, on the Three Degrees. Are you putting a new show together? Les is a bit short of work at the moment."

TB: "Very good, Nelson! Goodness me, isn't that Noam Chomsky over there with Gary Neville? Seriously, though, Nelson, what about Peter and Gordon?

NM: "My favourite was definitely "A World Without Love", although I liked "I Go to Pieces", which, as it happens, was written by Del Shannon. Peter is your brother, isn't he, Miss Asher?"

Jane Asher: "That's absolutely right, Nelson. More cake? No? How about you, General Franks? No? Britney? Whitney? Matt? Cat? Zoe? Bowie? Mr Speaker? Tracy Shaw, formerly of Coronation Street? Sam Allardyce, no-nonsense manager of Bolton Wanderers? Ah, never mind, take the trolley away, Titchmarsh."

NM: "I'm afraid you've come on rather a quiet day, Lionel. You should have been here on Wednesday with the England boys. We squeezed them in between the entire cast of Mamma Mia! and Boris Johnson. Perhaps, though, on reflection, I shouldn't have shaken young David's hand quite so vigorously ... would you excuse me for a moment, I have to take an urgent telephone call. Thank you, Titchmarsh. Yes, who is it?"

Voice on telephone: "Nelson Mandela? It's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?!"

NM: "Not again! Who is it this time? I'm surprised anyone wants me after that cock-up over S Club 7 and S Club Juniors."

CT: "It's Iain, Nelson. He hasn't got anybody else. Please."

NM: "No, I'll have to put my foot down. I've got a house full of celebrities here, and Michael Barrymore is due any minute! ... Hey, where's everybody gone? Excellent, never fails, that one. Lock the door immediately, Titchmarsh."