Should you say what Christmas gift you want or let it be a surprise?

The funniest thing that happens on Christmas morning at my Mum and Dad's is when Mum picks up a medium-sized, squashy present, reads the words on the label out loud – "To Margaret, lots of love Malcolm" – then holds up, say, a dressing gown (last year it was a new top, I think), and says, "Lovely".

The thing is, she has thought about, bought, and sometimes even wrapped this present for herself, even though it's from my dad. Before he's started thinking about presents, Mum will have nipped down to M&S to buy it. It's as established a routine as the fact that she buys all his "holiday clothes" as well.

I was thinking that this was a generational thing but then the other day my boyfriend asked me what I'd like for Christmas. Fair enough, he wants to see if there's something I really need. But if there's something I really need, I'll buy it myself. He's not asking because he's incapable of finding something I might like, he's asking because that's often the culture in relationships. And as it's our first Christmas together, we don't know the rules yet.

I have a friend whose boyfriend says to her every year, "Send me the list then". He'll always buy her something gorgeous and expensive, but I know she'd much rather he thought for himself about what she might like and bought it, rather than treated the whole thing like a transaction. I'm not criticising men here, by the way. I realise it's a minefield. I know that many women can be very specific about what they want, and have no qualms demanding it. Transaction culture is embedded on both sides. One girlfriend of mine has even admitted that she used to create a PDF present-list for her boyfriend.

To my mind, unexpected present always wins out. Aim for a #giftface of surprise and delight – not inevitability.

@lovefoolforever