My list of the greatest time-wasting internet sites

If you ask me, it’s time to launch my Christmas novelty book, as I do every year, and although I have previously concentrated on puzzling scientific queries – Why Is The Fluff In The Tumble Dryer Always Grey? and Do Commandos Really Not Wear Pants? – I have decided to ring the changes and focus on the best sites for frittering time away on the internet when you could be doing something else, like enjoying a full personal life or progressing nicely in in your chosen career.

So here are my favourites:

Battersea Dogs Home (www.battersea.org.co.uk): This is the prime site for choosing the dog you would adopt if you were in a position to adopt a dog, which you are not. At present, for example, I would adopt Hooch, who “loves cuddles and belly rubs”, if I were in a position to adopt a dog, which I’m not, although if I were in a position, I so would. Time Wasting Potential: As I rule, I can keep going for 17 days without even a toilet break. Other Stuff You Could Be Doing: Tons.

House To Home (www.housetohome.co.uk): This offers great decorating tips should you ever decide to do up your house, which you haven’t touched for decades, but who is to say you won’t start on it tomorrow? Who, who, who? Time Wasting Potential: Can be teamed with trawling eBay for the tat you would bid for, if only you had the energy. Other Stuff You Could Be Doing: Calling in a man to fix the tumble dryer which hasn’t worked for two years.

Daily Mail (www.mailonline.co.uk): Essential daily reading if you are interested in despising every woman who has ever lived, as she’s bound to be either too fat or too thin, or too fat in a thin way, or too thin in a fat way. Time Wasting Potential: As endless as those fat/thin permutations. Other Stuff You Could Be Doing: Liking yourself. A bit.

Jessica The Hippo (YouTube). If you ever tire of Jessica, who has adopted a human family in South Africa and sleeps on their veranda under a frilly pink eiderdown, you are one weird person. Time Wasting Potential: A hippo! Sleeping under a pink frilly eiderdown! What is there to get bored of? Ever? Other Things You Could be Doing: Eating a lot of cheese, which isn’t good, so Jessica may be of positive benefit.

This is an excellent gift for anyone who has ever thought of taking the children swimming, going to the cinema, or actually doing some work – the fools! – and has already been praised by Stephen Fry: “If it were the only book in the toilet,” he has said, “I might even pick it up.”