If you ask me...Pack your gladiator sandals – you might have to kill while on holiday

If you ask me, now the holiday season is upon us, Not OK!, my magazine for the woman who would be self-improving, if only she could be made to somehow give a damn, answers your holiday wardrobe questions in the light of the recent survey that women spend more on their wardrobe than they do on the actual holiday.

Is it essential to acquire a “holiday wardrobe”?

Ha, ha, ha! You are winding us up, right? Although we do know of one woman who went on holiday as she regularly is, taking only clothes she regularly wears, and no harm came to her – in fact, she saved herself a great deal of money and stress and did not have to cart about a bundle of useless items she would never wear again, even if she wore them once – it is actually against the law. She is lucky, in fact, not to have been arrested although, having got away with it this time, there is no saying she will get away with it again, and if they catch you without a “holiday wardrobe” in Thailand they do not, I’m afraid, show any leniency whatsoever.

Are gladiator sandals still on trend?

Possibly not, but they will prove useful should you be required to kill a fellow human being in a large arena for the entertainment of the public. For this reason, I would advise packing a pair. Although it is unlikely you will be called upon to kill a fellow human being in a large arena for the entertainment of the public, if you were, you would not wish to then discover you do not have the right footwear.

Am I required to purchase what is known as “a cover-up” for the beach when it is only an overpriced flimsy bit of nothing?

We agree that “cover-ups”, as sold, are overpriced flimsy bits of nothing. However, on a brighter note, you will not even need a ‘“cover-up” if, prior to your departure, you employ an airbrush artist to thin your thighs, flatten your stomach and tone your arms so they look like bronzed balustrades. This way, you will look as good as any of the women in the glossy magazines.

I’m thinking I can do without a Cath Kidston straw basket with pretty floral lining to “transport all my daily items to and from the pool”, but might I live to regret that?

Yes, and we are quite firm about this: you will never, ever forgive yourself if you do not purchase a Cath Kidston straw basket with pretty floral lining to transport your daily items to and from a pool, even if you are nowhere near a pool. We’re surprised, frankly, you even have to ask.

Is it true that there is a swimsuit to flatter every body shape?

So it is said, and it may now even be true as Figleaves.com has just started doing swimwear for anyone shaped like a 1950s single-slot toaster and, next year, they’ll be unveiling their collection for those shaped like that bit of fishfinger embedded in the wall of everybody’s freezer.

“I can’t wait,” says a woman who is shaped like that bit of fishfinger embedded in the wall of everybody’s freezer.

Twitter: @deborahross