If I were Prime Minister: I'd make sure football tickets were cheap and that beer was even cheaper
Our series in the run-up to the General Election – 100 days, 100 contributors, but no politicians – continues with the comedian and impressionist
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Football is all fun and games until ticket prices are through the roof. And right now, they're an outrage.
If I were Prime Minister, the price of football tickets would drop to reasonable levels. No one would pay more than £30 to see Premier League football, £20 to see Championship and £10 for League 1. Tickets to League 2 games would be free.
Regulation of ticket prices would be enforced with brutality, no questions asked. I’d grant the police new powers to effectively take over football clubs, too, so if they did try to raise prices they’d be forced to give up their clubs completely.
In fact, if I were PM, Britain would be restored to a 90s view of what it should be – low football prices and all. The national anthem would change to ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Oasis. Noel Gallagher would naturally become lifetime president, and Liam could be chief of police. The whole monarchy would be replaced with Oasis. Honestly they would probably be less offensive and better behaved.
I’d also bring back Tony Blair, who would essentially be Prime Minister but under a different name. He’d have a code name to conceal his role, but he would still be running the country in secret.
With Blair in place, Britain would return to economic growth and be respected abroad. We'd have better paid jobs, better public services. The health and education would improve at the same historic rate it did as when he was PM.
Together Blair and I would lead Britain through an interventionist-type foreign policy – essentially Blairism on the global stage. We’d strengthen the size of Europe, but would never join the euro under any circumstances. The Union would be harmoniously intact, the result of my own personal tour of Scotland and making Deacon Blue ambassadors for Britain.
Furthermore, I’d give away fruit and vegetables on the street, you know, to make sure it was freely available to everyone.
It would go something like this: Do you want a carrot, mate? There you go, there's an apple. If they wanted an apple, that is. The apple is obviously not for someone who wanted a carrot.
I’d make sure the giveaways were visible and not tucked away in a food bank. The government would pay for it, or it would sponsored by local businesses, and people would be healthier for a change.
It might not be free beer, but I would work on that, too. Truthfully, I just want all the things I like to be cheaper. That is pretty much what everyone wants in politics, isn't it? Cheaper football tickets, cheaper food and cheaper beer.
Matt Forde is on a UK tour with his stand-up show 24 Hour Political Party People: www.mattforde.com
Join our commenting forum
Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies
Comments