'Are you here for the threesome?': What it's really like to campaign for the Green Party

When a political party activist turns up on your doorstep asking you to vote for their candidate, do you: a) surrender with a shrug, b) make a threat upon their life should they ever dare step foot on your property again, or do you c) invite them in for a threesome?

Since the start of the general election campaign I’ve see all this, and more, as part of my role co-ordinating volunteers for the Green Party in Hackney. Every weekend, our two parliamentary candidates and a small band of volunteers knock on people’s doors to ask if we can count on their support.

The majority of our regular volunteers are in their 20s who use their priceless hangover recovery time on most weekends to do a tiring and repetitive task that probably won’t make a difference in this Labour safe seat. So why do we do it? During an era in politics where differences seem either extravagantly academic or ridiculously superficial, we want to provide voters with another option.

Not that everyone is always open to what we have to say. Aside from the handful of people who answer the door in their underwear, which at the very least makes for some great anecdotes, there are few surprises. Nearly everyone says exactly what you might expect: “I don’t really care, you’re all the same to me”.

But apathy doesn’t always reign, I’ve had voters slam the door in my face a few times and, somewhat reassuringly, on every one of those occasions, the person at the door did so just before telling me they were voting Ukip.

One morning I knocked on a door that was unremarkable save for the notice: “No cold callers, and no junk mail” – something I personally tend to overlook because surely everyone needs to hear about their options during an election, right? Wrong.

After waiting a minute for an answer, what sounded like an avalanche of rocks came hurtling down the hall to swing open the front door. Now, I don’t like to make assumptions about someone based on their appearance – covering yourself with tattoos of English nationalist symbols is a personal choice. But this mountain of a man was absolutely terrifying. And he was topless. And very angry.

I’ve also managed to convince a BNP voter to go Green, which speaks volumes about our electoral system where tactical voting often triumphs values. As the saying goes: don’t hate the player, hate the game.

It can be easy to forget that people might be expecting someone else - a parcel delivery, babysitter, or orgy participant. This was the case for my colleague who knocked on a door and was greeted by a man asking if he was there for ‘the’ threesome. He claims to have politely turned down the offer.

In truth, we just don’t have the funding (nor the collective stamina) to get through all the doors we would like to. Though, what we manage to do is still commendable - many of our better funded opponents won’t bother to speak to as many people as we do. Real people make up our party, and sometimes that’s enough to earn a vote – one door at a time.

Many of the people I have met feel alienated by the Westminster consensus on austerity. For them, their vote symbolises much more than just an attempt to change the government – it’s a chance to be heard.