14 Things Successful People Do Before Breakfast? I’d rather have a snooze...

I am a fervent reader of those "Top 10 Secrets of Successful People" lists that litter the internet, which I scan in the vain hope that one of the secrets might say something self-validating like, "If life gets a little too much, why not have a large Pedro Ximénez sherry and a gorgeous 4pm nap".

Or maybe, "Never underestimate the healing power of a long passive- aggressive silence". Or even, "Always say yes to tedious invites. Successful people spend all their lives at the mercy of an iCalender full of pointless, benevolent face-showing". But tragically, these lists rarely reflect how I live.

Instead, they tempt me with notions of how much higher Grace Dent Inc could soar if the CEO was a woman who rose at 5am to play upper-arm-toning lawn tennis before a "blow-out". That's a voluminous salon blow-dry, by the way, not an orgasm.

I know this now. The fact that I assumed that many successful friends were suffering a 5am start in order to let their tennis instructors shag them standing up behind the vending machine says much about why I am not Sheryl Sandberg or Condoleezza Rice. To my mind, the only reason to be upright wearing mascara before 5am is if you're up to no damn good.

Nevertheless, my magpie eyes seized greedily upon the World Economic Forum's recent epistle, "14 Things Successful People Do Before Breakfast". Here were tips which not only promised to make me a better, more prolific person, but vitally a more affluent one. I am, after all, a huge fan of acquiring and spending money.

It may be terrifically trendy among my Corbyn-loving peers to feign that money is of no great importance, will not make you happier, and that fortnight-long jaunts to Antigua are tawdry because, hey, isn't it nicer to holiday in Lowestoft eating home-made Shippam's bloater paste sandwiches, while observing an RNLI display? No, I say. No it is not.

Still, the World Economic Forum's rules for success – just like all those lists I've read before – describes a dreary path to the top. Superbeings, it claims, rise very, very early in order to fit in a whistlestop ride of pre-Corn Flakes networking, project managing, and blue-sky thinking. This is also a time to think of passion projects which gladden your heart and cement your legacy. Thinking of commisioning a large portrait of yourself dressed as Boudica? Now's the time to check out a few artists. Importantly, during all of this time smart people drink only water. They do not drink coffee. Seriously, what fresh uncaffeinated hell is this?

For super-achievers, there is no half-litre of milky Gold Blend in a chipped Royal Wedding mug, while scrolling endlessly through Instagram. And no thinking, "Jesus, it's still dark. And how selfish of me to wake the cat. And why did I stay up until 1am watching Keith Floyd re-runs?" No blissful extra-deep second snooze, which is always so much more wondrous than the first. How much wealth is enough to warrant never, ever sneaking back to bed again?

Successful people, I learn, make their own beds immediately they get up, like obsequious sixers at Brownie camp. Hospital corners. Plumped pillows. These disciplines promote feelings of organisation, apparently. They then meditate for at least 20 minutes. That's properly meditate, without nodding off and without finding themselves, after an hour, covered in their own drool, slumped against the sofa on the living-room floor.

And this isn't a solo mission. Pre-breakfast, it is said that successful types shepherd their long-suffering families into periods of intense quality time. Bike riding, literary discussions, balloon animal-making. It's up to them, but they keep it fun, fun, fun!

After this, he or she must pen a list of things for which they're grateful. This list probably includes items like, "I am grateful for a family who have not suggested I live in a Premier Inn because of my intensely irritating micro-managing, and my Buddhist-lite wafflings".

Nevertheless, my extended family and I have plans to spend some days together over the festive period, so I can think of no better time to embark on a new me. "It's 5am!" I'll shout, standing by their beds, banging a tiny gong, alive with winning glee. "Everyone up!" I'll shout. "Let's meet in the lounge and practise some gratitude! For example, I'm grateful for you guys! Come on! Group hug! Then let's glue some shells to a bottle and make an artsy-crafty lampstand! Let's get stuck into Sudoku. What better time to start that scrapbook? No – nobody is having a coffee! Water is the best kick-start!"

I'll either be a billionaire by January, or the subject of a murder inquiry with 10 or 11 suspects. This is the price we higher beings pay for extreme success. You'll have to get up pretty early to beat us.

@gracedent