come home Albert, all is forgiven

There is no shortage of possible uses for the Albert memorial, according to Chris Sladen. He suggests tying it to the end of a long line and using it to test the depth of water in the Atlantic before sinking old oil rig platforms.

Hugh Howard thinks it will make a dynamic Christmas decoration covered with a glass dome, quarter-filled with polystyrene packaging chips, with ring lighting fitted in the base and irregular blasts of compressed air to create a snowstorm effect.

The Albert Memorial as a spaceship was a popular idea. "A very British spaceship," writes Chris Bell, "none of your streamlined colonial rubbish."

According to John Donnelly, "it has been suggested that the Albert Memorial is a Victorian Gothic space probe designed by Jules Verne. Never achieving lift-off it was left in place." But he adds that this is patent nonsense. It is in fact a monument to the Memorial family, photographic pioneers of the last century, of whom the most famous was Albert, known to his friends as "Prints".

Len Clarke believes the AM is the result of Dr Who's Tardis getting stuck in Kubla Khan's private, huge, over-decorated, outside khazi in Xanadu. He recommends sticking a cassette player inside to make the world's zaniest jukebox.

FG Robinson, citing a recent radio item concerning a small town in Iowa which believes it will be the birthplace, in 33 years time, of Captain Kirk, says it is clear that the AM is the Starship Enterprise in waiting. And while it is waiting he recommends installing a steam organ to play 19th-century dance music, or possibly turning the whole thing into a roundabout.

"In this, the Proms centenary year," advises Mollie Caird, "it should be put inside the Albert Hall as a conductor's rostrum for the Last Night." Mrs M Withers advocates turning Albert into a fountain with red wine spouting from his head.

"The Albert Memorial," writes Duncan Bull, "should be garishly clad in orange-and-white striped plastic to transform it into the HQ of John Major's Traffic Cone Hotline."

We are grateful to Tony Haken for some historical detail of the building's origins as a horse-drawn bus shelter. Apparently after sneaking out one evening to the Hall to see Marie Lloyd Webber on Ice, Albert waited for the bus back to the Palace, unaware that the invention of the internal combustion engine had extended the route to Hammersmith. And he waits there still. Mr Haken recommends that the Heritage Fund be used for Al's cab fare home.

Lisa Lind sees it as a washing line for her voluminous collection of bikini bottoms. Colin Shewring wants it inverted as an all-weather bungee- jumping centre.

Michael Furlong sees it as a national scaffolding museum, refuge for sick pigeons, mausoleum for Margaret Thatcher's Victorian values or, best of all, a ready-made spire for an underground church. Prizes to Tony Haken, Michael Furlong and Mollie Caird.

Next week, we shall report on ideas for the Hampton Court Maze. Meanwhile, we seek things to do with golf courses. There must be something better than ambling through them trying to hit balls into holes. Chambers Dictionary prizes for the best ideas received by 18 August at: Creativity, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.