War! What is it good for?

Yesterday I brought you part of a press release of the recent summit meeting, not in Johannesburg, but in heaven, ie of the regular get-together of gods which takes place at regular intervals to monitor Earth's "progress". These gods are not just the lot currently believed in, from Allah to Jehovah, but also those who used to be fashionable – Norse, Inca, Aztec gods etc.

We had just reached the item on the agenda that covered Any Forthcoming Wars...

7. The Chairgod said that gods were always generally in favour of wars, because warfare tended to keep the population down, because it kept gods of war like Tyr and Mars happy, and because during times of war belief in the supernatural tended to rise sharply as people needed faith to keep them going. He realised that some gods did not like war, especially the gods of peace, such as the Buddha.

8. At this point he indicated to the Buddha that if he wished to comment, he could now do so. The Buddha made no reply. Thoth, an Egyptian god, said he had observed the Buddha closely over the years and had never seen him react to anything, not even when the Taliban blew up his giant effigies in Afghanistan. A Mayan deity said that what puzzled him was not that the Buddha was against wars, which he was entitled to be, crazy though it was, but that he claimed not to be a god at all. "Surely it is taking humility too far for a god to claim not to be a god," he said. "If he is not a god, why does he attend these meetings?"

9. The Chairgod said that this had been thrashed out at previous meetings, from which the Mayan delegation had perhaps been absent, and that the Buddha had been given honorary divine status, which entitled him to attend these meetings and have free overnight accommodation. It was true that he never spoke, but sometimes a slight smile crept over his features, always in a meaningful sort of way, and would someone please read out the list of forthcoming wars, for heaven's sake.

10. It was pointed out that the main imminent hostility was that planned by the US against Iraq. Allah wished to know why, in the name of everything that was holy? An American evangelical god said that Saddam Hussein represented evil, and had stockpiled too many weapons of destruction. Allah said that if any nation had stockpiled weapons of destruction it was America, and perhaps the nations should be encouraged to attack America. The American evangelical god said this was crazy talk, from a crazy towel-head deity.

11. The Chairgod immediately intervened at this point, reminding everyone that while gods were allowed to be as rude as they liked about each other's followers, rules of procedure forbade divine beings to insult each other. Allah said he was sorry if his remarks had been taken the wrong way. The American evangelical god said he was danged sorry if his had, too. Thor, the Norse god of thunder, said he would be prepared to insult anyone in the house, if he could get a good scrap out of it. His remark was overruled and he was ordered to leave his hammer outside, as weapons were not allowed in conference.

12. An Inca god of war intervened at this point to say that he could not believe America was going to attack Iraq. The US had repeatedly announced its intention of invading Iraq, which broke all the rules of warfare, or at least the first one, which was to surprise the enemy. He believed that the US might be pretending to invade Iraq while really intending to attack some unsuspecting target. Zimbabwe, perhaps. Or Libya. Or, most likely of all, Canada. There was some laughter.

13. The Chairgod asked if there were any Canadian deities present who wished to comment. There was more laughter. The Catholic God said that he had once met a French Canadian saint, but could not understand a word he said. More laughter. Finally, an Inuit deity said that as possibly the only Canadian god present, his devout wish was for the European gods to take their followers out of North America and go home. The Chairgod said it was a bit late to hope for that, and if nobody had anything more constructive to say, they would move on to the next item, which was Satan's long-standing request to be allowed to attend these meetings, if only as an observer.

There will be more from these thought-provoking meetings some other time.