Ring any bells with you?

Where are they now? That is the question that sometimes floats across our minds, like spray across the Reichenbach Falls, when we hear the mention of names such as David Owen or Valery Giscard d'Estaing, Edwina Currie or David Hockney. We half-remember them but can't think why. Names that once commanded yesteryear's news headlines. Names glimpsed in yellowing newspapers lining drawers. Names half-caught in the headlights of a passing car, or overheard on radio nostalgia programmes...

That's enough of that. Down to business. Here is a rundown of some of the most where-are-they-now? names.

Dr David Owen

David Owen runs a small mobile hamburger stall that can be seen at most of the big literary festivals. It can be distinguished from most of the other burger stalls by the presence of a large stack of signed books by David Owen. He will also, in case of accident or illness, dispense free medical advice, after you have signed a disclaimer form, and is sometimes asked to arbitrate over major outbreaks of fisticuffs.

John Birt

Shortly after he was named the "Czar of Crime" by Tony Blair, John Birt and his entire family were captured in their Summer Palace near Moscow by upstart Bolsheviks, and shot. Luckily, he escaped by a miracle and has now been named the "Trotsky of Transport".

Elvis Presley

Although he is said to have died 25 years ago, Elvis Presley was in fact reincarnated as a large peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, which has remained unsold ever since in a glass case in a diner near the town of Propriety, Tennessee. He is getting very dusty.

Andreas Whittam Smith

After years of being exposed to some of the most violent and sexually explicit films ever made, is the film censor inured to such things or does he become degraded and dehumanised? Mr Whittam Smith is currently undergoing a voluntary course of treatment by psychiatrists to determine if in fact he has been coarsened by these experiences. "He is very co-operative," says one of the psychiatrists, "but he doesn't half swear like a demented rock star."

Tiara Tomkinson-Palmer

Who?

Nigel Kennedy

When Nigel Kennedy turned 30 years of age, he became invisible. This sounds ridiculous, but it's true. No one has seen him for years. They can hear him playing and even hear him saying, "Hi! Kennedy here! Have you got my dosh?", but they can't see him anywhere.

Yasser Arafat

Yasser Arafat's position was very tenuous till recently, when his future was assured by George Bush. How did President Bush do this? Easy. He said that Arafat had outlived his usefulness and must go. Arafat thus joined a long list of leaders of whom America has said, "They Must Go!", but who are all still going strong – Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein, Castro etc.

Keith Vaz

There was never any such person as Keith Vaz. We do not know who you are talking about. Tony Blair never expressed complete confidence in Keith Vaz. There is no such person. Please carry on to the next person.

Al Gore

Al Gore is now President of the United States, in a parallel universe to ours. He has signed the Kyoto agreement and led the way in reducing American pollution and fossil-fuel dependency. He has welcomed Osama bin Laden as a working partner in terror reduction, and Tony Blair has gone along with this enthusiastically. Al Gore is popular throughout the world, except in the USA, where he is hated and reviled.

John Major

John Major is at this very moment cycling past a village cricket match, where village elders sup pints of real ale. It is an English evening, with the scent of honeysuckle in the air. The chestnut trees hang low over the outfield. Out of a side-road comes a small mini-van carrying a crew of nuns. One of the nuns is driving. She does not see the man on the bike. Without looking, she accelerates, and – oh my God! Send for an ambulance, someone!