Pull yourself together, Aunty

When you and I have emotional problems, we can always turn, in the last resort, to a newspaper agony aunt. But who can an agony aunt can go to with her or his problems?

To Aunty Agony, that's who! She is the only agony aunt in the world who deals exclusively with the problems of other agony aunts, and she's back again to answer their questions.

All yours, Aunty!

Dear Aunty Agony, I run a problem corner for a northern newspaper under the name of Emily Carstairs. As Emily Carstairs, I am well-known for my brisk approach to people's problems - I favour the "Pull-yourself-together-woman", "You're-fooling-yourself", "You-should-get-out-more" line of solution to dilemmas, and in most cases it seems to work.

However, I have recently become desperately attracted to a rival columnist called Uncle Edgar, who writes for a Yorkshire paper and is much more sympathetic than me. Instead of telling people to pull themselves together, he is much more likely to say "You poor, poor thing" or "I am not at all surprised that you feel so depressed ..."

As an agony aunt, I am not at all impressed by this. As a woman, I find it very attractive, and I am horrified to find that slowly I am falling in love with Uncle Edgar. Unfortunately, there is one complication. Although writing under the name of Emily Carstairs, I am not a woman. I am in fact a man called Humphrey, happily married with two children and a dog. What shall I do?

Aunty Agony writes: I happen to know, because it's my business to know these things, that the person who writes under the name of Uncle Edgar is a woman called Sally Hopcraft, so I am not surprised that you feel drawn towards her. I also happen to know - don't ask how - that Sally is at present having a torrid affair with a Scottish agony uncle, so my advice to you is to pull yourself together and stop fooling yourself. Alternatively, I can let you know when Sally is free again.

Dear Aunty Agony, I write as "Aunt Agatha" for a Midlands paper (I am a woman). Recently, as Aunt Agatha, I received a letter from my husband (who has no idea I work as an agony aunt) asking for help in his private life, as he thinks he may be gay (which I already knew) and wonders if it is too late to come out (I'm sure you know what I mean by that). Any tips?

Aunty Agony writes: Yes. Stop using so many damned brackets. It's sloppy and it's infuriating.

Dear Aunty Agony, I do a weekly column for a Kent newspaper as "Aunt Edna". As the supply of letters is quite low, and, frankly, boring, I am often reduced to concocting more interesting problems and putting them into pretend reader's letters. Recently I wrote myself a problem letter from a man who had tragically fallen in love with his brother's wife, and declared his love to her. She had rebuffed him, but the brother suspected that they were having an affair, and had had a showdown with his brother. There had been a fight, the married brother had been injured, and the other brother had gone into hiding.

So far so good, but I then received a visit from the local police who had read the whole business in my column, were convinced a crime had been committed and demanded I gave them full details of the assault.

Should I own up and risk the wrath of the police and the editor? Or should I retreat behind the confidentiality of the confessional?

Aunty Agony writes: Neither. Tell them that you buy in ready-made problems from a wholesaler, and that although the crime really did take place, it was in the USA some years ago, and all the parties are now dead.

Dear Aunty Agony, Does this sort of thing really happen?

Aunty Agony writes: Oh, yes. For instance, I invented this Aunt Edna problem five years ago, and have used it several times since. Nothing is ever wasted in the agony business!

Aunty Agony will be back again soon.