Miles Kington: Watch out, Jeffrey Archer's behind you

I have a bit of a scoop. Someone has managed to smuggle out to me a copy of the first work written by Jeffrey Archer since he was banged up for perjury. And it's not a novel at all – it's the script for his prison pantomime!

Here's some of it. See what you think.

The scene is a the market of a city in the East. People are getting on with all the things that happen in the market of a great city – insider dealing in Anglia TV shares, prostitution, second-hand book-dealing etc. Enter Widow Twankey, a washerwoman, with a basket of washing. A friend greets her.

Friend: Hello, Widow Twankey. Busy with the washing?

Twankey: Busy? I've got piles!

Friend: There's no answer to that.

Exit friend

Twankey: Aladdin! Aladdin! Oh, where is that dratted lad! Just when I need him, he goes missing! I sometimes wish I'd never left Weston-super-Mare and come to the big city.

Twankey strikes an attitude and bursts into song

Life is hard for an old washerwoman!
Life is hard and so is the water!
Life is hard with a wastrel son!
Oh, how I wish I'd had a daughter!

Enter Aladdin, played by the famous Lord Archer. Ovation. Aladdin bows. Then on with the show!

Aladdin: Sorry I'm late, mother, but I came on the train. Now, do you need some help?

Twankey: Of course I do! What a stupid question! How am I going to do my smalls all by myself?

Aladdin: There's no answer to that.

Twankey: Now, take hold of that end of the sheet and help me fold it.

Aladdin: But mother, I am made for better things than this! What use will sheet-folding ever be to me?

Twankey: If you ever need to escape from prison, it will be very useful, and that's the way you're headed!

Ironic cheers from audience

Aladdin: Oh Mother, I will never go to prison! I will be too busy being a businessman and politician! I'm going to rise and rise until I am mayor of this great city!

Twankey: Do you ever get that horrible feeling you're in the wrong panto? Dick Whittington, for example..?

Aladdin: And then I'll marry the fragrant princess Mary and she is going to stand by me through thick and thin...

Twankey: Poor lass! I must warn her while there's still time...

Aladdin: But first, I've got to get very rich very quickly...

Enter Abanazar

Abanazar: My boy! Aladdin! Don't you recognise me?

Aladdin: No. Are you from that shop in Canada? I swear I was just trying the coat on! I always intended to pay..!

Abanazar: No, no, no! Widow Twankey, don't you recognise me?

Twankey: Let me think... big long beard... fanatical eyes... long robes... You're Osama bin Laden!

Abanazar: No.

Aladdin: Father Christmas?

Abanazar: No, boy – I am your long-lost uncle Abanazar, back from his travels!

Aladdin: Mother? Do we have a long-lost uncle Abanazar?

Twankey: It's hard to tell, dear. We have a very complicated family history. I kept having children and forgetting about them. I often tried to forget about you...

Abanazar: Now listen to me, Aladdin. I intend to get very rich very soon. But I need your help. Now, what do you think is the best way to get quick money?

Aladdin: Well, how about raising a fortune to help the Kurds, then keeping it for yourself?

Abanazar: That's not bad, not bad at all. But way out in the desert, I happen to know a cave full of treasure...

Exeunt Abanazar and Aladdin, plotting, leaving Twankey behind. She sings

Twankey: Let's hope he brings back a magic tub,
'Cos then I can skive off down the pub!

More of this follows tomorrow, unless we are spared