Miles Kington: Sun, sea, sand and blow-up crocodiles

You are on a foreign beach. You have unpacked all the stuff for the children. You have inflated the rubber ring for the youngest, or, if you are a more wacky kind of family, you have blown up the inflatable crocodile ("Warning: this is a toy and not to be taken two miles out to sea, you fool") when suddenly one of your family holds up the wilting crocodile or ring and says: "I think it's got a puncture."At which you say to yourself: "Why oh why haven't I got a puncture repair outfit for beach things?"

Because you are ill-prepared for a holiday, that's why.

Because you haven't got the things all families should take.

Here is the list of the vital things

Deck Chair Repair Kit

An all-purpose spare-parts kit for most makes of deck chair, lounger and easy chair – rivets, bolts, nuts, canvas patches etc. From any branch of Chair Base.

Collapsible Bottle Bank

Remember how those wine bottles mount up on holiday, especially at the rented villa, until you're ashamed of the evidence of how much plonk you've put away? And you don't know where to dispose of the tell-tale empties? Here's the answer – a bottle bank in kit form which you can easily erect abroad! From most branches of Bottle Base.

Fake Business Cards

You know those people you meet on holiday who you never want to meet again, and they insist on swapping addresses..? Take a stash of pre-printed cards with your name on – but a completely different address and number! They may be knocking on someone's door this autumn, but it won't be yours!

Heavy Duty Rubber Repair Kit

For everything from lilos to rubber dinghies. From Rubber World.

Salad Washer

"You should be all right with salads abroad as long as you make sure they have been washed," say the guides complacently. How on earth do they expect you to make sure the salads have been washed? Do they expect you to ask the waiter in a Greek taverna to take it back and wash it this minute? What is the Italian for "Waiter! This lollo rosso is the grubbiest I have ever seen!"? But all your nagging doubts will be dispelled with this easily portable salad washer and tomato buffer, small enough to take anywhere without embarrassment. When you get to the restaurant, just ask the waiter to plug it into the mains water supply. From Clean Base.

A Serious Novel Book Jacket

You don't want to spend your time on the beach reading literature, do you? But you'd like people to think that's what you're reading, wouldn't you? Right. Take a heavyweight dust jacket from something by Tolstoy or Henry James and wrap it round your Harry Potter... From any Book Jacket Exchange.

Alcohol Strength Detector

"I'm sure they're watering this wine, you know..." "Not much gin in this gin and tonic..." Just two of the doubts that can ruin a holiday. But it's easy to be sure with a scientifically validated alcohol measurer. Just dip it in and read off the strength. From Drink Dependency.

Inflatable Bicycle.

Thanks to new technology, a bicycle can now be made out of rubber and inflated to peak hardness. Packs away to almost nothing. Takes the roughest road like a dream. The only snag is that, whereas old-style bikes could only be punctured on the wheels, these bikes can theoretically be punctured anywhere. From Future Bike World.

Pack of Skimming Stones

It's a beautiful evening. You're on the beach. The water is clear and still and flat. You suddenly remember what fun it is to skin stones and how good you used to be at it. Certainly better than that French father next door, showing off to his son. But all the stones on the beach are round and totally unsuitable... That's why you bring a small pack of flat skimming stones from home. This is the moment you've been waiting for...

Spare Suitcase

It is one of the strange laws of holidaymaking that you always go home with more stuff than you took. But you only have the same amount of luggage. So take a spare suitcase. You'll feel stupid taking an empty suitcase on holiday. But it makes sense. So do it. Do it!