Miles Kington: Explosive, shocking and shattering gift ideas

Are you feeling that old Christmas panic coming on? So many people to get presents for and so few ideas? And so little time left before the awful day? Worry not! Kington's Christmas Bazaar is here again, with oodles of lovely suggestions to solve that Christmas Black Hole feeling! Just browse through this little compendium of gift solutions, all exclusive to us, find the dream purchase and send us your money...

Garden flare and rocket

combined

This brilliant new party device burns brightly for three hours, then, with a huge explosion, takes off into the heavens. Guaranteed to scare the living daylights out of lingering party guests who refuse to go. Brings a new meaning to "makes the party go with a bang"!

£40.99 each.

The Lynne Truss

Etiquettometer

This year is the year for books on manners. Every publisher seems to be putting out a guide to good behaviour, telling us how to revive our tradition for courtesy and consideration before it is too late. But what guarantee is there that any of us will take a blind bit of notice of them? None at all, alas. Unless we wear the Lynne Truss Etiquettometer! This unobtrusive electronic device fits snugly on the wrist and its microchip is programmed to detect any one of four hundred social misdemeanours. As soon as it is activated, it gives you a sharp electric shock. Satisfied customer Gyles Brandreth explains how it works: "You just strap it on, and for the rest of the day it punishes you every time you show off, or hog the conversation, or interrupt people, or anything! As I was telling the Duke of Edinburgh only the other day - Damn! That hurt! It got me for name-dropping that time, of course..."

Three grades of pain: Light, Naughty, and This May Be Your Last Chance. £55.99.

Fake Dog Food For Greedy

Doggies

Ideal for the dog who needs to go on a diet - a dog dish that contains a lifelike replica of dog food! It looks tasty - it looks real - but it's just a dog's dinner lookalike! Keeps your dog slim, yet satisfied. Only £15.99. Comes in five different non-flavours - chicken, lamb, postman, etc.

The Alternative World Cup

Planner 2006

For the person in your life who hates football, this handy guide tells them which countries have not qualified for next year's Finals, how to get there on holiday, how to celebrate (tactfully) if and when England crash out, etc, etc.

£8.99, from Peace Press.

Light Bulbs With Attitude

At a time in history when almost everything else has been given a range of flavours, from potato crisps and shampoo through to vinegar and soap, it is amazing that light bulbs have escaped for so long. But now a cutting edge firm called Delicious Lamps of Leamington have perfected a way of impregnating light bulbs so that the warmth slowly releases the chosen aroma into the atmosphere, creating the desired ambiance. Initial options include Paris Bordello, Diana's Dressing Room, Osama's Cave, Narnia Wardrobe and "Brief Encounter" Station Cafeteria.

£70.99 per dozen.

Junk Mail Compacter

For the man who has everything - and gets a lot more through the post that he doesn't want! He'll never have to throw away any junk mail in future, now that he can recycle it with this innovative machine which shreds and presses in one easy movement. The resulting bricks are light enough to throw and heavy enough to break a window, so are ideal for demos, football matches, neighbourhood disputes over leylandii, etc, etc.

From £50.99.

Turin Shroud Tea Cloths

Looking for a divine domestic present? These holy tea cloths are the ideal solution. For the more agnostic present-receiver, there is a range of other iconic faces available, including Delia Smith, Stephen Fry, Bob Dylan, John Lennon and JK Rowling. £10.99 each, £40 for five.