Miles Kington: Autumn, you put a spring in my step
'Here comes the autumn equinox/ Welly boots and thicker socks!/ Pile the logs! Change the clocks!'
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Yes, it's time again for that very popular act!
The one you loved last year!
And the year before!
Yes, please could you give a big welcome to... autumn!
THANK YOU very much, my name is Autumn, it's lovely to be here all over the country tonight... I say, I say, I say! Did you hear the one about the British publisher who ordered his computer to replace the American word "fall" with the English "autumn"?
A. No, I didn't. What happened?
Q. He got Decline and Autumn by Evelyn Waugh, History of the Decline and Autumn of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon, and The Autumn of The House of Usher by Edgar Allen Poe
A. Oh, really. Is that funny?
Q. I've no idea, but it doesn't matter because now it's time for a song, a little song that I've entitled "Autumn".
"Here comes the autumn equinox,
Welly boots and thicker socks!
Pile the logs! Change the clocks!
Here comes the autumn equinox!"
Of course, every act has to have a catchphrase, and "Who left that blasted door open?", well that's autumn's traditional catchphrase, as the leaves blow in through the front door, perform a crazy ballet across the room and then exit in perfect formation through the garden door...
Yes, now on the gatepost of life hang the shrivelled balloons of yesteryear's party, because the high days of summer are stuck away in the photograph album and forgotten – time now to sing the old song that greets the new season.
"Here comes the Autumn Equinox!
Put the croquet back in the box!
Too late to covet your neighbour's ox
– Here comes the autumn equinox!"
You saw autumn in hardback. You read autumn in paperback. You saw Autumn – the Musical and you saw the movie (Autumn Impossible). So now it's time to get Autumn – the Video Game, in which you are given the task of setting out across enemy territory and arriving at your destination without any of the following...
a) being swallowed up by the Evil Freezing Fog
b) being knocked out by the dreaded Cars That Come Out Of Side Roads Without Signalling
c) being plagued by Cancelled Train Services...
Yes, we are sorry to announce the cancellation of summer. This is due to factors beyond our control.
The season of summer is now undergoing extensive refurbishment, and it will be back as soon as possible. We, of course, apologise for any inconvenience that this may have caused you. Meanwhile, we are glad to announce the arrival of...
Autumn! In its gleaming livery of chocolate, latte and cappuccino... Oh, where the Starbucks, there buck I,/In a cup of froth I lie... What was it the old poet Frost said..?
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I am just a city creep
Driving a noisy four-wheeled Jeep
As down the motorway I sweep!
And this season autumn is sporting a lovely outfit of muted browns and faded oranges, worn just off the shoulder, as she slips along the catwalk, up the chimney, down the old Virginia creeper and in through the front door again...
Tell me, autumn, what's it like to be famous again suddenly? Because for the last nine months, quite honestly, you've been forgotten. Nowhere. On the junk heap. Yesterday's season. All washed up. And now suddenly...
Here comes the autumn equinox!
£12.99 in souvenir box!
Copyright 20th Century Fox!
Buy your autumn equinox!
I thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience, and mind how you go home now, because, don't forget, people like you are caused by accidents!
Curtain. House lights up. Fire down. Make cocoa. Make hot-water bottle. Go to bed.
If you'd like to know more about autumn, send for our free leaflet: 'Autumn: it's A Season Thing'
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