Miles Kington: A plague on these keys, fruit and pickled herring
The burglar can find your hidden spare key hanging in the garage on a hook, marked 'Spare House Key'
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Your support makes all the difference.Ten best places for a burglar to find the hidden spare key for a house:
Hanging on a string just inside the letter box
Under a flower pot
In a flower pot
Behind a flower pot
Under a big stone
Hanging in the shed
On top of the lintel of the door
Under a milk bottle
Hanging on a hook in the neighbour's house next door, as an emergency spare
Hanging in the garage on a hook, marked "Spare House Key"
Ten quotes from Shakespeare which seem never to have been used as titles for books:
Sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought
Ay, there's the rub
Cassio, I love thee
O curse of Marriage!
Thou cream-faced loon!
Dead Caesar's trencher
A lascivious Moor
A plague o' these pickle-herring!
Not naturally honest
Like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard
Ten people with the same initials as Jesus Christ:
John Cleese
Jackie Clunes
Joan Collins
Jackie Collins
Jeremy Clarkson
Jasper Carrott
Jason Connery
Jacques Chirac
John Coltrane
Jenny Colgan
Ten things named after a prime minister:
Wellington boot
Gladstone bag
Disraeli gears
Macmillan Way
Earl Grey tea
Peel Acres
Eden Vale yoghurt
Salisbury Plain
Pitt Rivers Museum
Blair Witch Project
Ten examples of the undying urge to name things after fruit:
Apple Mac
Orange phones
The Greengage Summer
Blackberry Thumb
Pears' Encyclopaedia
Bananarama
Grapeshot
Date rape
Cherry Blossom shoe polish
Mulberry handbags
Ten things we read about uncomprehendingly in old novels:
Asafoetida
Sal volatile
Smelling salts
Wampum
Pemmican
Jujubes
Isinglass
Oakum
Antimacassar
Charivari
Ten common places where a man leaves his car keys:
In his coat
In his other coat
Stuck in the ignition
Stuck in the car door
On his key ring, which is being used for one of the 17 other keys on the same ring
In the pocket of last night's trousers
In the pocket of last night's coat
On his dressing table
On his mistress's dressing table
In the taxi he got home in late last night
Ten common places where a woman leaves her car keys:
On the kitchen table
On the kitchen dresser
On the hall table
In her hand
In her handbag
In her other handbag
In her make-up bag
In her purse
In her wallet
Under a flower pot
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