Living in the fast lane

Every time we get stuck in another endless traffic jam and feel close to despair, there is one thing that keeps us sane and cheerful. And that is, of course, the thought that John Birt is making plans to sort it all out.

Somewhere, somehow, the man who sorted out Britain's crime is sorting out Britain's traffic problems.

Occasionally there would be rumblings of thunder from Mount Sinai, whither the prophet Birt had gone to commune with the wise spirits, and we would think that he was about to emerge from the mists holding tablets of stone and the Ten Motorway Commandments.

For years it was a false alarm.

The clouds would roll back, and a screen would say: "WE APOLOGISE FOR LOSS OF PICTURE", and the clouds would cover it again.

Now, however, the waiting is over.

Drum roll. Dry ice. Strobe lights. Fanfare.

A huge screen saying "A JOHN BIRT PRESENTATION! TOLL ROADS – THE PATH TO THE FUTURE!".

This brilliant idea is based on the concept that if we pay for roads to be built and maintained by putting money in a box as we enter the road, then we will have wonderful roads like they do abroad, and you will know exactly what that means if you have ever gone on to a toll-paying autostrada and hit a 17-mile tailback from Bologna.

Not that Birt has copied this idea from abroad.

There was no point in going abroad to pick up the idea of toll roads, because we British, who have invented everything worth inventing, from football hooliganism to pork scratchings, had already instituted a system of toll roads in the 18th century. They were called turnpike roads, and the idea was that by charging people who used the road, the owners could keep them in tip-top condition and thus lay the foundation for today's British road system, which is nearly as good as the system the Romans created 2,000 years ago.

And the introduction of toll roads in the 18th century was so successful that very soon Britain was criss-crossed by a network of canals, the rationale of which was that you could often get across Britain quicker by horse-drawn boat than by toll road.

Which brings us back to Birt.

The Birt plans have not yet been spelled out in full, but I have managed to secure a leaked stone tablet that sums up the thinking behind his thinking. It is written in the code known as management speak, but I have had it speedily translated into English for the occasion.

THE BIRT ROAD PLAN

1) British roads should be made into one parent organisation called British Roads, and given new icons, logos, and so on.

2) The parent organisation should be given a powerful presence in a flagship office building in central London.

3) When this proves unwieldy, the main office should be moved at great expense to an outlying part of London, such as White City.

4) British Roads should be split into two parallel organisations called RoadBuild and RoadSell. One will be in charge of building roads, and the other in charge of marketing them. Later, RoadBuild will be split into two further divisions called TopSurface and RoadBase, etc, etc.

5) In order to run British Roads as a lean economic entity, all areas of expertise and excellence within the organisation will be located and sold off. If we wish to make further use of those ex-assets, we must pay market prices, ie through the nose, for what we used to get free.

6) To make further savings, teams of management experts will be hired at great expense to find areas in which further savings can be made.

7) British Roads will be renamed BritRoads and relaunched with new icons, logos, etc.

8) There will be created a new division called BritRoads Worldwide, which will put great investment into the building of British roads abroad.

9) There will be created a new concept called Driver Choice. This will enable drivers to locate the cheapest option they have for driving from A to B, and taking that option, even if it means going by bus via Leicester.

10) When BirtRoads, that is to say BritRoads, is firmly established as a going concern, Birt will take the money and run to the nearest tax haven.

11) We mean, look for a new challenge.

What do I think? Well, I don't know about you, but I am going to rush out and buy some shares in the British canal system.